Current Music: a Launch "Super 70's" station. It's mostly been funk/disco type of jive.
I am also eating an orange.

I could really use a nap.

I really need to organize and clean my desk again. I will tomorrow.
My house could use organizing, as well. The last several days have been pretty crazybusy; tomorrow night and Saturday morning will be good to intersperse housework into the other activities of homework and acting the fool.

I have no idea why I just wrote this. Sorry to bore you. I think the squirrels are starting to peek out of my head.

I went into the bathroom a few minutes ago and the head of Building Security was in there. The restroom reeked of alcohol and I'm pretty sure I smelled some weed in the mix. He's in there on his walkie-talkie communicating with another security person downstairs and I find out what's going on. Apparently a drunken homeless man is pretty much passed out in the stall. Street folks often come in and use our restrooms to clean up, rest, etc., so this is no surprise, but this poor man is unresponsive and keeps learning against the lever and flushes the toilet every 30 seconds or so. Eventually the Fire & Rescue personnel show up with a stretcher. I stuck around for the beginning to just kind of observe and, for my own peace of mind, make sure he's not kicked around or anything. They are very kind to him and speak in friendly tones. I felt good about the situation and was only going to be in the way, so I took off.
Anyway, just a mention of part of my day. But for the grace of God go I, God bless him.

Right now I'm listening to the launch.yahoo.com "classic r&b" station.
Literally this week, Launch changed things around so that now most of their stations are only accessible through a membership. It's 3.99/mo. and I'm really thinking about it. I have probably listened to it more than half the days each month, probably more. That's basically a dollar a week for access to tons of stations and great music from all over the musical spectrum. TheMomi.Org is The Museum of Musical Instruments; for quite a while, they had a really GREAT music collection to listen to online, but then the Millennium Digital Music Act was redefined by the Supreme Court, rules changed and they had to become compliant. The streaming music portion of their website has been closed for months but they're finally relaunching in March--most likely it will have a cost, but if it is a similar price structure as Launch, I'll probably go for it.
While I'm on the subject, TheMomi.Org is a really neat site. I've not explored it to the extent I'd like, but some of the little blurbs and sections they have there are really quite interesting.

I was up til 3am last night working on a paper. I'm planning to go home and finish it on my lunchbreak. To be fair, I was working on a few other things last night, as well, and having a very wonderful conversation. I work today 8-5, then have class from about 6-9. A co-worker suggested I take along some Tylenol PM and take it a little while before class ends so I can go to sleep when I get home. I don't really have any of that and I'm pretty sure I'm running low on Nyquil, too. I have a feeling that once I sit down and take it easy, sleep will come quickly, and there are one or two things I'd like to do before sleeping tonight anyway (that aren't exactly work).

New Friends In Class Update:
Last night we were put into groups of 3 to work on papers in regards to one of the stories we had to read. I have an earlier edition of the book (and despite the inconvenience, stand by the decision to pay much less at half.com) and that story isn't in there; I'd looked at a couple libraries and eventually found it last night after class at the UNO library, but hadn't found or read it at that time. Another person in our group was sick (names had been chosen prior to class). There is another guy in the group, too. I went over and sat down next to him. After introductions, he asked me to explain what the professor had just said because he hadn't been listening at all. I did. He said he was sorry but hadn't bought the book yet, obviously hadn't read the story, and that this class freaked him out. He went on to explain to me that he had been out of town the past few days and would be leaving again the next day. Turns out he's a skater and just got sponsored by a skating apparel company or something. This company pays for him to go to these skating events and skate, pays for his travel and lodging, meals, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if he drops the class pretty soon, he's already behind and very obviously doesn't have a clue what's going on. Anyway, he is a pretty nice guy and interesting to talk to.

Right now I'm listening to the new Zwan single, "Honestly."

Today I am wearing a green pull-over sweater (I love this sweater and wear it at least once, sometimes three times a week, though not a full day that many times), a long-sleeved dark/burnt orange shirt that has to be from the 70's underneath it and your grey basic pants. No, not Dockers, just old plain classic pants.

Today I had lunch with Kelly. It was really great and at Zio's, which is one of my favorite places around here. It was good to have a nice lunch and a good experience there after this past Saturday's meeting there (detailed below, of course).

Here's a story about a local homeless man who recently died. Very interesting story...He was a familiar face to me downtown here.
Click here.
The online version of the paper has a comment section, and a reader pointed out:
"So sad. Another example of upside down humanity. On television this past weekend, there was a golf tournament being played by millionaires, in Hawaii, sponsored by ConAgra. This man was found less than two blocks from their campus. I weep for him and us. We should all be ashamed."
Sadly, according to reports, several times police came along, told him to go to a shelter, and left.

okay, on to class.

Tonight I'm listening to a compilation of Uncut Magazine's "tops of 2002." It has stuff from The Flaming Lips, El-P, Beth Gibbons (lead singer of Portishead), Ryan Adams, Lambchop, Wilco, Jeff Buckley, Suicide, Paul Westerburg, Solomon Burke, The Streets, Tom Waits, and a few more. Great set.

My back is sore and I'm in need of a massage.

I went and watched the big Super Bowl at a friend's place. He's actually in the same dorm as my S.O., oddly enough. Didn't run into her though. He's great--he's a med student graduating in May, not your typical swine type guy, goes to my church, getting married in May, into lighthouses, and so on. I have fun hanging out with him once in a while, he's a really great guy. We did eat unhealthily, but that's going to happen occasionally, I suppose.

I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time today. I have thoughts on it but really need to plug away at some of this homework. I should've gotten more of it done this weekend, but I'll manage to find time to get it done by class times.

I'm a bit conflicted over a certain issue, but at the same time feeling no pressure, feeling peace. That's horribly vague, but felt good to write, anyway.

I'm tired and should go to bed earlier tonight than I have been.

Twist and Shout.

The meeting with (former S.O.) went all right, I suppose. She showed up 15 minutes late. Normally I don't care, but as previously discussed, she's the queen of making comments about how everything means something, so I was a little annoyed by it. I had to get going to a study session and that threw things off. When she came in, I was nice and all, then started reaching into my bag to get her glue. She made the comment that she couldn't take anything from me until I took my stuff from her (a couple things in a big bag) so I took it, put it down on the seat by where we were standing, then got her glue. I'm still not sure why she has to be that way. Anyway, so I told her I needed to be going, that I was running late for a study session, and random other mumblings. I get so awkward in these situations, but she made me uncomfortable, as well. I think she was put off by the fact that I had to take off, but so be it. All right, enough complaining. It's over, and that's the important thing.

I think next time I'm by Target, I'm going to use the rest of my gift card to help buy a scale. I had a really nice one a year ago, but I kept going into the bathroom and seeing puddles of water on it from Carole using it right after her shower (which is silly, everyone knows you weigh less without water all over you) and then one day it just didn't work anymore, not even with a new battery. In some ways it was a bit liberating that it was gone, but it's time I had one again. seeing the pound count down by 1 is measurable and I need that motivation again.

Ran across this while doing some homework with my literature book. Reminds me of an old friend...I hope she's doing okay...
It was, of course, just before a Sylvia Plath poem and I like to look at things on either side of what I'm reading.
Barbie Doll by Marge Piercy.

Since we're on the subject, the other poem I read today that I dug is "One Perfect Rose" by Dorothy Parker. I love her sense of humor.

One last mention: Christina Rossetti.
Check out a few of her works.
She and Flannery O'Connor have my undying love.

Today I'm listening to a lot of Bright Eyes. Stuff from the Every Day and Every Night EP right now. Awhile ago, I listened to some of Lifted and will listen to more of it later, I'm sure. We'll definitely get to Fevers and Mirrors in a bit.
People like to make cracks about "emo" and whatnot (which Bright Eyes never was), but Conor Oberst is just one hell of a great songwriter. Lifted is just a brilliant rock and roll album, whether you look at it in some sort of underground context or if you compare it with anything else out there. Of course the rock press is all about it, but I like it anyeay. ;-)
I really need to get to reviewing some records, but I'm studying right now. Sometimes I can do both simultaneously; however, I had on earlier a record that came in the mail today for review and I just couldn't do it. People think that because we cover some things that are spiritual or Christian, that means we want a crummy band that wants to be some sort of praisechorus-spewing version of Dave Matthews (though U2 was mentioned probably one less time in the name-dropping bio). Sorry to disappoint, but I don't like the Dave Matthews Band, so patterning your CCM band after that sort of thing isn't really where it's at.

now playing: Ray Charles, "What'd I Say?"
Nothing like some classic Ray Charles, kids.

My car hasn't started for the last couple days. This cold here is the reason. I'm hoping it's been warm enough today that it will start when I get home. The positive (and I'm not being sarcastic here) thing is that I've gotten a good bit more exercise the last couple days.

I really need to eat this banana that's sitting on my desk. Poor thing's taken a beating. I'd like to say something incredibly poignant about how this banana is symbolic of my soul, but really, the banana is a much better source of potassium and I can't really compete with that.

One last thought for the night:
I'm a big believer in the balance of things. What's tricky is finding that balance. For example, life is short, crazy things happen, I've experienced how quickly someone can be gone, a situation can change, etc...So there's always something in me that, while not hedonistic, says that moments must be seized (as cliche as that phrase has become), things must be tried, things must be shared. On the other hand, sometimes wisdom says that it's better to hold off, keep quiet for a while, just let life develop. Balance, balance, balance. I pray I can be near it.

In thinking about things these days, I've come to a sort of decision.
I say a "sort of decision" because I didn't exactly have an epiphany or bolt up in bed or anything. I just realized how things are and how I think they should be; the next step was realizing how things are, then, for now.
Until May, end of this semester, I'm not up for any sort of "dating" activity.
I do have a few reasons why, but I should preface them by saying that none of them are in and of themselves the determining factor; just things that go into the mix. There actually is something that has been a determining factor, but that one stays in the vault for now. Anyway, on with the list:
--I'm just very busy. With so much going on, I'd not really have much time to spend with anyone anyway.
--Let's be honest. I'd be way too tempted to substitute "physical comfort" activity for time really getting to know someone.
--I'm really developing spiritually and need to be focusing on that.
--I'm still a bit fragile right now. Not that I even will be for long, but I want to do things right, and I'm frankly very distracted with everything else that's going on right now, it wouldn't be fair to her or me.

Now it's time for a brief discourse on "relationship stuff." I hear some of you groan, but I hear others of you lick your chops; this is more real than reality tv, soap operas, and your Harlequin novels and you like it.

now playing: "Living for the City" by Stevie Wonder. Great song, very funky. Once that's done (and before I'm done writing this update, since I'm taking brief 2 minute breaks here and there) it will be the latest album by His Name Is Alive, Last Night.

The breakup was on a Sunday night just before the New Year. I don't have an exact date, but I'm sure it is out there somewhere. A few days later I sent her an email to which she never responded. I'm trying hard not to be bitter so I'll just forego commenting further on what that says about her. I suppose what is bothering me most is that I don't want to admit that maybe she isn't as great as I idealized her to be and it's hard to admit to any degree of blindness. It's also not fun to admit you've been rejected. Anyway, she still has a couple things of mine and I have a tube of glue she let me borrow. I emailed her earlier this week and asked what sort of arrangement would work out best for her (since she has no car). She emailed back and said we should get together at noon on Saturday at a local pizza place. I'm not sure if she has lunch in mind or if this just happens to be a landmark she knows I know. I'm not planning on lunch. I'm also a little put off by the fact that she clearly chose a "neutral" location; it's as if she doesn't trust me or thinks I'll attack her or something. I honestly do feel insulted. I'm generally very easy-going and give people the benefit of the doubt; however, she made constant dissertations on how what people do and say shows her quite a bit about their character and who they are and what their motivations are, to the point where I couldn't say a word without her telling me I meant something I didn't by it. Then when I would try to explain myself (note: Idealists are constantly misunderstood and have a difficulty explaining themselves sometimes--when I started telling her about temperament things she told me she knew all about it and had studied it and was really past that in her understanding--yet she didn't understand this in working with me. hmmm), she would constantly interrupt and tell me that it didn't matter what I said, she knew what I meant to say (though when she told me what I meant to say, it didn't match up very well with what was in my head). Anyway, I explain all that to say that with as much emphasis she puts on knowing motives, and as gifted as she claims to be in doing this, the same standard automatically applies to her, doesn't it? As a result, it's safe to say that there's some specific reason behind this and it's not exactly complimentary. This is weird for me because I'm generally the one telling someone "Oh, I'm sure ___ means nothing by it; he/she probably doesn't realize how it comes across." Shoot, I've put up with people screaming at me and physically assaulting me for those reasons (heh, never again); I suppose this falls under the idea that to those who apply a higher standard, the higher standard applies.
Anyway, enough of that.

Hey, thanks for the comments.
I'll try to keep it updated better, Kelly, thanks. :-)
My other class I'm taking is Rhetoric. I'm not particularly up for trying to explain what it's all about at this point, but it's fantastic and I'm learning a good bit.
I don't really have classes with any freshman. These are both upper level senior classes that are also graduate level. I would venture to say no one in the class is under 20 and most of us are a few years older than that. It always takes me a little while to make friends with people in these classes, but I think I am starting to, at least in the Great Characters class (second one of that was last night, second of Rhetoric tonight).
Because GC starts at 4:15 and I leave work from downtown at 4, I am usually a couple minutes late. The professor knows my situation and is fine with this. Due partly to my lateness and also to our natural predisposition, I have both times ended up sitting toward the back in what is now becoming "the punk corner." I don't necessarily have crazy stuff going on in how I look, but my look reflects the aesthetic, if that makes sense (the punk rock bag helps). The other two back there include this girl whose name I can never remember and another guy. The girl has short pink hair that is spiky in the back. She's got the look down, I suppose. When I don't have water around, I develop a bit of a dry cough sometimes; last night she heard me cough a couple times and gave me a lozenge. That was nice of her. The guy's name is Joe and I talked to him for a few minutes after class last night. He's a pretty hardcore type, has nice big gauges in his earlobes, has a bag with patches, that sort of thing. I started talking to him about Ballydowse because he's got a patch of them on his bag. Turns out he lived at JPUSA (in Chicago) for a while back in the early-mid 90's. He's interesting to talk to, is big into some similar issues (which I wondered--Andrew from Ballydowse and Crashdog before that tends to very charismatically educate those around him, which included both uf us but at different times). He's back in school now going to an education degree, has some great ideas about things. I'd like to recruit him to write for us, actually, I think. There is someone else who is in both the GC and Rhetoric classes. I didn't really recognize her at all but last night on break I was at the coffee machine and she was talking to me and asking me questions about the classes and whatnot. For all I knew, I'd never seen her before in my life. When I was walking around talking to Joe she walked by and said "Hi" to me again so I guess I'm just fairly recognizable or she realized I'm halfway smart so it's worth knowing me for when super study time comes around, I don't know.
I also dig my professors. Smart, intelligent, knowledgeable, personable, good communicators and teachers.
So there's my school update.

now playing: Pink Floyd, The Wall

Tonight I started back to school This class, Great Characters, is starting wonderful already.

We're looking quite a bit at character and temperament; if you're familiar with Keirsey's studies or book or Meyers-Briggs' test, you'll know more what i mean. For a brief view at at, http://www.keirsey.com .
Tonight we mostly looked at the temperament stuff with just a reference here and there to fiction. In learning more about temperament types, I'm connecting some things, putting ideas together, realizing and learning some things.
I am an INFJ, an "Idealist Advocate Healer."
I realized first something about relationships in general. We Idealists and INFJs in particular strive for harmony, especially in relationships with those we care about deeply. As a result, we tend to sacrifice and compromise and give until we have nothing left to give. Happens to me every time. I need to learn to set boundaries much better; also to avoid relationships with those who by nature are much more demanding.
In addition, we're easily misunderstood and hard to understand. I've felt guilty in the past, even when people didn't even try or want to understand me...I felt guilty thinking that it was a "problem" on my end, no matter how hard I tried.
One other thing we tend to do is over-idealize people. I've definitely done this...that's why, like I wrote last night, anything from here on out really needs to take time, be eased into, be taken slow.
INFJ's are said to be the easiest to live with, yet they are the ones who find it hardest to find a mate. We're just not understood, plus what's mentioned above...
Ironic, isn't it?
However, in understanding one's self more, the greater one's ability to move past being defined and controlled by his own limitations.

This is one of those restless evenings where nothing seems to fit and everything makes so much sense yet nothing makes enough sense.
I turn on the space heater because I'm cold. Less than 30 seconds later, I want it off. The hot dry air down by my feet and ankles somehow stifles me and I can hardly breathe. My lips are dry and I'm thirsty and I drink water that somehow doesn't taste right. The scent of the hand lotion bothers me. I can't read anything that sits still. It needs to be conversational, it needs to be interactive.

I feel a bit more bubbling up inside me to mention regarding "relationship type stuff"....

I'm not going to go into my "relationship history" here, because people who read this know one or more of my former girlfriends, and whatever has happened in the past, no matter how lousy or screwed up, no matter how wronged I was, I still respect their rights to privacy. Suffice it to say that in the 3 I've been in, the following have been true (though in different ways and to different degrees:
--I've given way more than received. That goes in pretty much any direction. I tend to be non-confronational, compromising, negotiating, accomodating, overly patient, and cautious as to not be hurtful. I say that not necessarily to say "look how great I am," because I struggle with doing those things too much in situations I shouldn't. There are times when being more assertive and less flexible would probably have served the relationship better.
--I have loved more than I've been loved back. I have documented proof of this with one relationship--I knew this before the relationship was over and found out more about it later. In another relationship, the real reason for it ending is proof enough. In the most recent endeavor...the way in which it ended tells me quite a bit, and throughout the relationship I realized this was the case. I really shouldn't elaborate but I have no doubt. Reading up on my personality, I realize this isn't terribly unusual and that makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
--(in just two of them) It's moved way too fast. This isn't just my usual cautious self talking, this is objectively looking at things. I'm talking more than just physically, though that's been part of it. I'm talking emotionally, commitmentwise, how serious it's gotten within a certain amount of time.

I'm starting to get tired, so hopefully this won't lose sense.
I'm realizing that if there's a next go-round (I'm open to the fact that there might not be and that there's no shame or anything wrong with that), I should keep certain things in mind. It needs to just start slowly, just be a good friendship that grows. Maybe we'll know, while friends, that one or both is interested in more. Maybe not. Either way, I just want to ease into it. Yes, it's nice to think that you're investing time and emotion into a sure thing, so sometimes it's easy to overcommit way too quickly--but realistically, love doesn't happen without risk. To have faith and trust in someone else is to risk a bit sometimes. I have learned that perhaps more faith and trust can be built when two people can be friends and enjoy each other and have feelings without feeling they have to get a verbal agreement from each other as early as possible. I have several friends who have gone about things this way and it's just wiser, at least for me and who I am.
At this point, too, because of what has happened, I know that I probably have "commitment problems" for a while. This doesn't mean I'll go do anything with anyone with no thought for their feelings, of course not--it just means that I'm not interested in being burnt from having moved too quickly or trusted too much too early (because we've both demanded it). In some ways, it would almost be better to have things be "long-distance" for a while if anything were to really start up...just to help make sure things stay at a pace that's healthy. Not that I highly recommend that sort of thing, but if you're not in a position to move to fast, it may not be so bad. I don't know. Maybe I'm just rambling now. Let me collect myself. :-)
Anyway, I'm at an interesting point in life. We all know I'm 25 and that sort of thing. Right now I'm in a not-so-great financial position, don't have that great of a job but it let's me go to school. I'm a year and a half or two years away from getting my bachelor's degree (due to a recent change in what's accepted with transfers, I'm a bit closer and need to go rehash the numbers with an advisor soon). Once I have the degree, I'm not sure what will happen. In some ways, I'd really like to move back to my "home" area for a little while, maybe even just a year or so. Right now I'm in a transitional period (albeit one that has followed a couple other transitional periods, so to speak) and it's unfair and irresponsible to make a serious commitment to be at a specific place for a specific time; this isn't about me being a free spirit or wanting to run around and do what I want, it's about allowing myself to be open to what God has next.
Of course I'm able to have a "significant other" or girlfriend or whatever in-between...
It isn't about "casual sexuality" (meaning not just sex itself but general physical elements) without commitment...that sort of thing is great and I miss it, but I'm willing to accept the fact that it may not be a part of my life for a while--even if i were to start an "interested friends" type relationship, even if that were a part of it, i think there would just need to be an understanding that developing the friendship would need to be the major, most important thing.
I think that a common situation (to be gentle about it) for young Christians is that they do rush things, they do end up going way too fast, they do emphasize commitment without balance, without developing a great friendship first. The reasons for that are a few and I don't have time to get into those "why" things tonight, but it's true. However, I've realized that I'm 25 and still not so old that I need to hurry into something. Whenever I get involved to a very serious committed degree again, I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, and that's worth all the risk to spend a lot of time to get to know her first...and if getting to know a few people and making some friends who yes, we may admit mutual interest, but eventually who don't end up being right for that sort of thing, then hey, I've made some friends without making lives complicated.

Anyway, that was long but hopefully at least somewhat coherent. I really needed to get that written somewhere and not just bouncing in my head.

I'm feeling the itch to rename my blog again. Just so you're warned.

For what it's worth, I love reading your comments. Even if you just read, please say hi. I'm not sure why, but it is one of those small things that really makes my day. Thank you tons to those who have commented. :-)

I was in the mood earlier to do album reviews, but I was at church doing inventory after work, got home about 9pm, and my mind decided that once I sat down, it wasn't in the mood anymore.
I stayed up waaay too late last night, but I'm glad I did.
Just to let you people know, for some reason my bottom window here has my text about 5 times too big. It's driving me nuts but not nuts enough to really do anything about it. As long as it isn't showing up on the blog page itself like that, I should be all right.

I have some "what I learned recently" content to write later, but right now it's time for
Jo-el Trivia:

--I own the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack on vinyl. R.I.P., Maurice Gibb. To us, you'll always be "Stayin' Alive."

--Female co-workers, married and "attached," tell me I smell nice. The word "turn-on" was used--I'm not kidding one bit. No, these are not sarcastic people we're talking about. Sure, friends who are girls and girlfriends alike have made similar comments, but this is even crazier. Thing is, I am mildly allergic to colognes (or being nearby a woman with heavy perfume)--my nose gets congested, sometimes my eyes run. Thank God for Old Spice deoderant, I suppose. Perhaps someday I'll hold a small child on my lap and tell him that he owes his existence to the fact that daddy smells good. I suppose that what I lack in good looks, intelligence and charm, I make up for in choosing the right way to smell.

--I played a talking wart hog once in a school play. i had to wear a mask that someone had used quite a bit of glue or rubber cement on to attach the snout. I could probably have done better in high school on academics had I not had to wear that for a couple hours in late elementary school. If you Baptist kids ever heard of "Patch the Pirate"...I played Worry the Wart Hog from whatever that Jungle episode was. That was far from being the highlight of my acting career, however; I went on to play a doctor who was a great friend to a minister and his family in my senior play, then helped a roommate in a college class who was directing a play. I played a character who, in that scene, tied up his wife, screamed at her, and threatened graphically to slit her throat (and was eventually tied up myself and hauled away).

--I don't like Cheerios. I like Honey Nut Cheerios, but I never did like the regular Cheerios.

--When my younger brother and I used to share a room, we used to always play this old Atari set. He was 5 years younger and I used to get very annoyed at the fact that he was better than I was at video games.

Okay, I'm back. I've avoided this long enough.
I knew that to post anything here would mean I would have to address IT and I just haven't been ready to yet.
My "Significant Other" and I broke up. She broke up with me. December 29. Why isn't important; it wasn't about anything I did, it's more about who I am. She has legitimate points and it's true, I have issues in my life, so arguing would be juvenile and pointless. I shoulder most of the blame because I try to be responsible and again, in all honesty the things she used as reasons are legitimate. However, these were things she knew before things got serious with us, things I put on the table before the first kiss, before any commitments or promises were made. I think she just woke up one day and realized she was unhappy and didn't want to be with me anymore--once that has happened, people will use whatever they can as Reasons to get out of the relationship. Sure, the way she broke up with me was unfair, was impolite and rude, was done in a way to *look* as if we were having a discussion that finally wound its way to the logical conclusion--but before we even began the discussion, she asked me to go get some videos from her library that were at my house and weren't due for another week, yet she "wanted to make sure were around so she wouldn't forget"--so I knew before the "discussion" even began what was going to happen. Of course, a "discussion" with her for me was more her talking and me getting one or two sentences out before being interrupted, but I suppose that's beside the point.

Anyway, a couple more things to note and then I'm done talking about the actual breakup (though as far as romantic status and related subjects go, I'll have more to say in regards to those at some point).
1. I emailed her a few days after the breakup and she never did respond, this being more than a week ago now. I know she's not all that busy right now (though she will be). It's amazing to me how once you're out of the relationship, people don't pretend to be as polite anymore. Seeing how I'm the one who had "the problems," I've been the one most gracious post-breakup. I could be very negative in regards to this sort of thing and rant about it for a while, but I'd only be embittering myself and focusing on things I shouldn't, so enough of that--just thought I'd point it out.
2. The "issues" I refer to aren't questions of character or morality, for the record. It mostly has to do with my professional and academic and financial situation being what it is. I'm in a very fragile financial position for the time being, haven't completed my Bachelor's degree yet, and yes, while I work for a university, my job isn't prestigious or on any fast track. Within a couple years I will complete my degree and get a job that will put me in a better financial position, but that's not fast enough for where she's at in her life, and I suppose that's her decision and I understand. There were a couple other issues, but ones that could have been worked through eventually, if we/she had wanted to. The difficult thing is that everything has to be worked on as a couple, both people need to compromise and give a bit, both people have to admit they aren't "already there," and while I was perhaps too willing to admit these things and work on them from my end, she wasn't particularly interested in that sort of thing on her end. I was patient and really felt as if eventually the work would be going both ways, but I suppose that's all moot now, anyway.

All being done now...
It was a very good few months. I don't really have any regrets or feel guilty about anything. She really is a great person and I hope she finds what she needs. I enjoyed the relationship, I had fun, I felt loved (was I? who knows...), and I've learned a few things. I'm better for having known her, even though she doesn't seem to want to know me anymore.

For the record...I'm at peace now.