why is that old man out there in the break area looking in the window at me so much?

i'm listening to Thelonius Monk right now.

i'm quite irritable today. it's been a rough last few days.

i keep writing stuff out, but it's all just incredibly whiny, so nevermind.

no russian girl at vespers last night.
"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but i think that God's got a sick sense of humor." --Depeche Mode

either way, life goes on.

9:20-48am i've been back and forth between sleep and trying to burrow into sleep for 2 hours, then finally wake up for good. in some ways, i want to sleep until 4pm. on one hand, i value my leisure time and hate when people fuck with it. on the other hand, sometimes i have to keep busy or else boredom brings on depression. while i view depression as a fairly natural thing in many of us, it really fucks with the order of things too. so it's nice to avoid. and sleeping would be a great way to keep busy.
last night is one of those nights that in some ways, i want to remember for the rest of my life. in other ways, i don't want to think about it ever again. right now i'm lost as to what i should think about it, so i try hard not to. especially if i can't manage to be busy today. it's not that there isn't plenty to do. it's just a matter of being able to do it. there's a ton of housework, but if i'm the only one who cares about it, then why bother, why throw away time i could be doing something actually useful? i'd start with washing the dishes, but the sink won't drain.

10:30 after making some breakfast and checking and replying to various internet messages and email, i realize the sink isn't just clogged, but water is coming back up again. it did this last weekend, someone came and fixed it, but here we go again.

11:20am after making some calls, a plumber arrives. this kid can't be old enough to drink yet. then again, if some of the kids i know who are 18-20 are as brilliant as they are and saying and doing what they say and do, then surely this kid can work that equipment and fix the damned sink.

12:10 the Kid Plumber just left. the sink is draining and he cleaned up really well after himself. now i don't have any excuse. a lot of me is still leaning toward just going to Blockbuster and renting movies to fill the time until i leave for Vespers tonight. that's what i really wanted to do at 11am but was waiting for the plumber. then again, washing the dishes sometimes puts me in the frame of mind to do creative things like work on the web design.

went to a rock and roll show in Lincoln last night. good stuff. it was good to see Jason.
i left a bit early because i heard there would be rain or storms. plus i only know one way to get home and they were shutting part of that down at 11pm, so i figured i'd better get past it before then. i was walking out to my car and it started to rain harder.
i ended driving home from lincoln through a horrible storm. it was impressive, but horrid to drive through. visibility sucked, especially since i have an old car that tends to fog up, the cool/cold air doesn't work, so i had to crack a window in back just to keep it all from being steamy. much of the way i was able to follow red lights up ahead of me, lots of semis on the road. of course, semis would come from behind and i'd have several seconds of not being able to see at all as they passed me...that was no fun. the lightning was so close at times that it would literally blind me for a couple seconds. "white knuckle driving" at its finest, kids. yet i didn't want to, couldn't really stop, not in that kind of storm. anyway, obviously i made it back safely. what should've been 45 minutes to an hour drive took me from around 10:30ish to a bit after midnight. by the time i got there, carole was in her room and it was all dark in there, one of the phones was still gone, but seth was on IM and she never said anything to me when i was upstairs, so she must've gotten to sleep ok. everybody at work was talking about how the last few days it's so hard to sleep with the storms going on. also i guess there had been talk of a tornado but nothing really happened with that. anyway, that's my big fun excitement and i got to see The Billions play.

kick it
and we're after
a cure.

the way she
in a glance
lets me listen
we don't care, and we don't care
i can't be lost
but i think i can
she can't be lost
but i think she can.
****************************
let it be slept
no slips
somehow
roads we drive without lights
can't be blamed.
****************************
a thousand screaming ugly miracles
beautiful tragedies
and a nothing drives everything.

14 Questions

1. why do you think God made everything so different just a bit off the surface of the earth?
2. do you think he knew we'd learn how to make flying machines and didn't want us learning how to go elsewhere and spend much time in those places, at least not terribly soon after we learned to fly?
3. why is it that when people as "who are you?" we often tend to answer the question "what do you do?" instead?
4. where do you get your news?
5. why there?
6. to what extent does trust play a role in where we get our daily information about the world?
7. to what extent does trust play a role in where we get our daily information about each other?
8. do you trust the person who tells you the most about other people you know?
9. do you trust more or less someone who doesn't say much about other people you know?
10. what would you say to someone who asked if you realize how beautiful you are?
11. if you find out you've been lied to, is it better to confront immediately?; keep quiet and use the information as leverage at a later time?; or just realize nothing good will come of saying anything and never bring it up?
12. if you find out you're going to be killed, is it better to incapacitate (one way or another, legal or not) the other person first or wait until attacked?
13. if you're at a restaurant (like blimpie or subway) and someone messes up your sandwich and you see them do it, do you say something then, wait until you get to the end of the order, or shrug it off and say nothing at all?
14. where is the line between unwanted affection and enjoyed attention, and how much spills over on either side?

dear diary,
i am going to see bob dylan play tonight. he is SO dreamy!

today's topic: sex and violence.

the last several entries have been extra self-indulgent, so i suppose a bit more intelligent discourse is called for.

anyhow, i just finished a book by Walker Percy, Lost in the Cosmos. wonderful wonderful book. i won't really go into detail of describing it, it's one of those books where there are building and interdependent thoughts and i'd take too long to explain and hardly do it justice. i do, however, highly recommend this book. in general, it discusses man's search to know self and basically, how lost we've become in our efforts to do so. very interesting, very illuminating book.
anyhow, the idea is discussed of the relation of sex and violence and society, how perhaps they are interrelated. and to me, it makes sense. i mean, really...these two in a broad sense describe the two most destructive ways in which we separate ourselves from God, and attempt to fill voids in our lives. for example, many people would say that because Christianity was sexually repressive, society became violent...a big part of the "free love" movement in the 60's was based on the idea that in a sexually released society, violence would be minimalized. of course, then we could look at Rome and how both were quite prevalent, especially toward the end.
if you think about it, though, a lot of this makes sense. i'm not intelligencia, i'm not writing particularly coherently today, and i haven't studied ___ and _____ and _____ (or ___ or ___ or ____, really), so take this as you will.
the main place i'm taking this, though, is that look at our modern society. we live in an age where technology has drastically increased our "leisure" time and as result, we turn to sex and violence in a broader sense. for example, often our lust for violence is satiated by sports, in which we not only watch two teams practice aggression but we tribe ourselves off and conflict with other fans. and there's the usual drivel about sex and violence on television and in films and music and video games and so on. i mean, we all know this stuff. even on a more dyadic level, person to person...how many people do you know who, if the sexual element is not there, seek out conflict in one way or another? how many couples do you know who are lovey dovey one minute, at each other's throats the next? there's a sense in which someone's sexuality is threatened and suddenly the conflict is sought or occurs. of course, just like we're using a broader idea for "violence," we do with sexuality too. for example, whether or not a romantic relationship is constantly erotic, the sexual aspect is there, even if all a couple has done is hold hands in a month. but on the other hand, isn't sexuality often measured in one's ability or potential to "win" in conflict, or violence? so perhaps while in some ways, in our society, one occurs when the other doesn't, they obviously aren't mutually exclusive, and in some cases are proportional.
anyway, there's no real "answer" here and really, we're dealing with human beings. where one person may get bored and seek out conflict if sexuality isn't available at the moment or seems threatened, another may specifically choose one over the other. i mean, really, i've been into the Cubs for years, but one night, if i had the choice (which i currently don't), i may choose to hang out with a girl i'm interested in, whereas another night i'd sit home and watch the Cubs. probably depends who is pitching. and of course, we'd all prefer to have both, so the ideal situation is sitting at home, watching the Cubs or overcoming conflict through creation (ie writing, in my case), the girl there with me.

this post will make more sense if you read the last (long long long) one. though it likely won't make much sense at all.

this is more or less a footnote, or explanatory "appendix" type post, to explain part of why i refer to being "in trouble."

see, i've more or less been more than content, more than happy to be "single" or "without a relationship" for the last while.
the following are reasons why, combined with reasons i probably shouldn't be in one right now, combined with a few more things thrown in for good measure.
1. my current financial situation.
i'm slowly repaying college debt, which isn't a big deal, but on top of that, i've had a credit card that has a bit much on it. some of this is due to moving and not getting a job right away, a lot of it is due to school stuff, but some of it was just plain irresponsibility. either way, maybe it's pride, maybe it's an over-sense of responsibility, but i don't feel like thrusting that into a relationship.
2. i like freeness.
i really do. and perhaps i'm just lousy at compromising (i know i tend to give in way too much in general, it's a downfall), but i like not having someone else control what i'm doing tonight. admittedly, i recognize that at some point, this won't be a big deal, and this isn't really any huge huge factor keeping me from a relationship, but it does enter into my thought.
3. emotional readiness.
i don't know that i'm ready to trust like i should yet, give more of myself away the way i would want to. i don't really trust myself to know what anything is yet at this point.
4. spiritual issues.
this one is something i can't really give much in, but there are things i'm called to, directions i'm going, things i'm learning and experiencing, etc....and i don't want those to be compromised or inhibited by a relationship. i'm the first to admit that i'm lazy, i lack self-discipline and ascetic self-control, and i have a lot of work to do before even being in the position to say "this is my lifestyle, no one is going to change it because it's supposed to be this way." i need to be spending more time in prayer and meditation than i do now, and it needs to be understood that it's going to be that way. i am dedicated to certain things like mass, low mass, Bible study, sometimes vespers, teaching Sunday School, etc., and that's not to be compromised. in addition...i've realized that i could have someone who discourages my spirituality overtly (ie makes fun of it, directly attacks it, and so on) and/or covertly (with or without knowing it, but encourages me to do other things instead of what i should), or someone who encourages it but doesn't really get it or care much about it herself, and therefore would in a way discourage me from it. however, that's not going to work, none of it...i need someone who is on a similar path as mine or is very open to it. that's not to say that i say "Orthodox should only date Orthodox" and so on, because that's missing the point...and besides, other people work this stuff out with God, this is just how i have. however, someone who is going to be a distraction more than the obvious minimals, it's just not going to work.
5. i don't necessarily know where i'll be in a few years. i plan to finish school here in Omaha, this is a really great opportunity i have, but i'd like to be in Chicago maybe after that. or who knows. but i want to be open to things as opposed to feel obligated to remain here.
6. this is maybe lame, but i do have a lot of interests. this maybe ties into the freedom thing...but i just don't know, i need someone who i can get along with on a day to day basis, who enjoys, encourages, or at least tolerates my various music tastes. someone who likes reading in the way that i do....doesn't mind me watching the Cubs or watching great films or discussing philosophy or the amount of time i should be working on the zine (this could be a separate number!) or so on. and, i know, "good luck," and i suppose i'm being overly idealistic, but this does matter to me.
7. i should just add in here that long-distance relationships are a definite no-no for me at this point. many reasons why not, but suffice it to say, no....at least for me, at least for now.

and i could go on and on, i bet, but it's past time to leave for work and go to low mass fairly soon.
anyway, should this conglomeration, these things keep me from even pursuing what may or may not be an opportunity?
should i just not say anything, not go anywhere near her church for a while, just go about my life? or should i go sometime soon, talk to her, and see what happens?
i'll tell you this much.
i've seen enough in my life to realize that life is short. we control how we choose, yes, but opportunities don't just come, not without any reason. there are times in life when one must act, and the rest will at some point fall into place...or fall apart...but at least you know. and...i think that in this case, i really want to know.

so...i'm in trouble.

because i'm a rambler, the kids who have the grit to read through all this are going to get to read a lot, i suppose. i'm not so sure where to start, to be honest.
a popular question for internet forums, singles groups, etc., is "what are you attracted to in a man/woman first?"
and a few honest guys, some jokingly, will mention the breasts...other guys say the eyes or the hands or the smile or the hair or the butt or the legs or the face or the voice. the answer for me is "strength of moral character." i can sense it a mile away. or perhaps i should not lie.
as is probably typical of me, i don't really have a definitive "that's what i notice first" element to point to. in thinking back, i've been first attracted to different things about girls/women i've been interested in. the first serious go-round (i crushed on this girl for around 5 years before being trampled), i'm not really sure. she was more or less "untouchable," a daughter of the fiery music director, for whom i played trumpet and from whom i took lessons for years. perhaps that untouchability is what did it, i tend to set dangerous precedents for myself. i remember one girl in college had big brown eyes i really couldn't stay away from. i remember walking 20 minutes in Wisconsin winters to the grocery store where she worked, just to buy something small and stand in line so she would say a couple sentences to me. she was such a nice, shy girl that i hated to really say anything and put her in the position i did, but that more or less led to my experimentations with nyquil as an escape hatch. what attracted me to christy, my first girlfriend? i'm not sure. we were friends and had good times together before i really thought of her romantically. people who meet and/or know her know she's quite beautiful on the outside and a beautiful person on the inside. i think that with her, i first fell in love with being near her, having good times with her. with carole, i was attracted to both the wonderful, connecting discussions we had and to the person i saw inside...of course, when she got here in Omaha there were beautiful features (the first two that caught me being her eyes)i noticed before she even got out of the car, so there was more or less a couple different times to be attracted to something(s) first. in both of the above cases, however, it may be important to point out that what first put me in the position of being interested in either of those with whom i've had serious relationships...both times, while they are both quite beautiful in appearance, it was something of the non-physical element that started it off.
there are women i find Attractive, and then there are those to whom i am Attracted. i see physically beautiful women fairly often, between work, shopping, lunch break walks, and so on...some of them i recognize as beautiful, yet not Attractive. others that i find Attractive may not necessarily be what society deems Most Beautiful, but whatever. and then there are those to whom i am Attracted. those i find Attractive, i may not be Attracted to. and to make this even more complex, there's not a ton of consistency. i do find that i find Attractive more often hippie girls, "indie rock type" girls, and that sort of deal. Attracted to, though? that's tough. and often, there are very wonderful, beautiful, amazing, incredible women who yes, i find Attractive, yet even if i wanted to (and sometimes i do want to be), i just am not Attracted.

so...why am i in trouble?
well, because there's someone new in the Attracted To category.

i know what first attracted me to her. it was those eyes.
she was wearing a red business suit. i'm not a big fan of red. business suits i joke with carole about, but i'm not particularly partial one way or another. so "the look" definitely isn't what got me. the eyes did.
she's Russian. as in, from Russia. she attends a local university and is getting an advanced degree. she's gorgeous. it's way too easy for me to say "she's too beautiful, too smart for me" and i would be valid and justified in saying so.
however, this lady is refusing to leave my mind.
i went to a Vespers service at a church west of town and ended up staying for a barbecue held afterward, partly in hopes of meeting her. i did. i wonder if Fr. and/or his wife picked up on me being interested in her.
it's easy for me to say that she kept looking at me like i was looking at her. it's easy for me to say that i saw how she smiled when she talked.
of course, i have a track record of either being oblivious or reading way too much into things. so...we'll see.
it was time for me to leave. or at least, i decided it was time for me to leave, but i needed to talk to her just a little again. i found her.
"so...maybe i'll see you..." i had thought about what to say but still wasn't sure what to say next, despite not wanting to pause. "maybe i'll see you at one of these type of things again."
"i'm here a lot."

and i can't help but think she maybe is interested. and i can't help but think there's no way she is.
i only know that it might be right, and even though i legitimately have reason after reason after reason why i don't want a romantic relationship right now, i would be a fool to run away from something that could be good, short as life is, few chances as we get.
among those to whom i am Attracted, there are a few among those i feel very led to even think more than two or three times about. and it's obvious here's one.

and so i think i know where i'll be going for Vespers next week.

(by the way...i'm paranoid about people reading into this. i generally write this sort of sh*t from the point of view of someone else, either fictitious or loosely based)

i had to ask
and she said it wasn't nothing
who had sweetness,
whose was it to lose?
i lost a race
she didn't know to let me run
she didn't know it but he won.
***************************************************
philanthopist killer
underground clown
it's a glass of water
for a man of renown
fearing the city
hating this town.
***************************************************
too many ducks in a row
who to believe?
nursing two memories
she forgot to duck.
******************************
by definition
we don't slave
we, the drones
sleep by the phones.
some have no plan,
some have thirty,
but whatever we have,
whatever we say,
whatever we want,
stays here.

i was rarely on a computer throughout pretty much all of the weekend and work's been busy, so there you have it.
however, lots is on my mind, so expect to hear from me at least early this evening. and probably in a couple minutes.

i've been holding this back for days now, but sometimes the discussion on the vagrant cafe reminds me of some lines from a play Plato wrote:
Socrates says to Gorgias: "You, Gorgias, like myself, have had great experience of disputations, and you must have observed, I think, that they do not always terminate in mutual edification, or in the definition by either party of the subjects which they are discussing; but disagreements are apt to arise-somebody says that another has not spoken truly or clearly; and then they get into a passion and begin to quarrel, both parties conceiving that their opponents are arguing from personal feeling only and jealousy of themselves, not from any interest in the question at issue. And sometimes they will go on abusing one another until the company at last are quite vexed at themselves for ever listening to such fellows. Why do I say this? Why, because I cannot help feeling that you are now saying what is not quite consistent or accordant with what you were saying at first about rhetoric. And I am afraid to point this out to you, lest you should think that I have some animosity against you, and that I speak, not for the sake of discovering the truth, but from jealousy of you. Now if you are one of my sort, I should like to cross-examine you, but if not I will let you alone. And what is my sort? you will ask. I am one of those who are very willing to be refuted if I say anything which is not true, and very willing to refute any one else who says what is not true, and quite as ready to be refuted as to refute-I for I hold that this is the greater gain of the two, just as the gain is greater of being cured of a very great evil than of curing another. For I imagine that there is no evil which a man can endure so great as an erroneous opinion about the matters of which we are speaking and if you claim to be one of my sort, let us have the discussion out, but if you would rather have done, no matter-let us make an end of it."

i try to be of that sort...i would rather be refuted and learn what is true and right than make my point and be utterly wrong.
unfortunately, i notice that many or most would rather just "be right," whether they can prove it or not, whether they're proved wrong or not. again, i realize i'm in the minority here, though.
anyway, there's that.

in other news, i had about a week where i was just crazy tired. got a bit done here and there but had a hell of a time at it...i think some of it was brought on by some stuff last week that happened...anyway, only time will tell but i think i'm back in gear now. worked on the site and did some writing last night, so that's good. now if only those damned Cubs would win more.

listening right now to a Paste Magazine sampler. also lately i've listened to David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust, DJ Shadow, the new album by The Blamed....nd The Yeah Yeah Yeah's.

also, thanks to a couple of you for the encouraging comments. i do read them, just like people do read this. :-) --joel

i'm not sure what the deal is, but i need to rest. but also need to work on the zine. probably both.
i feel close to some sort of meltdown or breakdown or whatever.
i generally always have a large amount of stiffness and tenseness in my upper back, shoulders, and neck. walker (certified in kiatsu, works with people's upper body area fairly often) said that mine is the worst he's seen, and he sees some crazy stuff. anyway, i've just learned to live with it and not even mention it, but the last few days it's gotten much worse. hopefully i just need rest and this weekend that can happen. plus my stomach's been nuts on me the past couple of nights. i'm just very overwhelmed right now, i guess, and my body's feeling it.

who'd ever thought we'd see frankenfish in our lifetimes? what a messed up thing. i'll have to post a link to a story about it on the front page of the cafe.
and what about this West Nile virus? scaaaary shit.

today's listens...reggae collection and Nirvana's Unplugged album.

i'm very tired and just recently started getting hungry. tonight just may end up being a "night off," sad as it is to say. i'm just not sure how much i'm good for tonight. mos' likely i'll hole up in my basement cave and sleep, have some supper, and watch the cubs on television. a night off may not be so bad.

the last couple days i've been taking a class on Dreamweaver. it's a web design program that is going to be very very good for doing the cafe...it's been good so far but now that i've taken 2 days of classes on it, it'll be even better...
now i have some decent design ideas (well, i hope they are), just need to come up with some sort of new logo type thing. i think i'll stick with something simple for now, most likely.
it's hard to explain, but i've had a lot of difficulty the past few days with a some "inside" type stuff. weird things make my mind kind of go nuts, it's hard to explain, like i said. i think i did well focusing in class, but it was crazy struggle. sunday i couldn't make myself drive until early evening. anyway, hopefully soon i'll calm down.
hmmm...well, this was a little more intelligent maybe. obviously writing's been a struggle too, but somehow i'm pulling it off in regards to music reviews. at least i hope i am. i'm tired...the Cubs play at 9pm...hope i can make it through the game.

one of my more annoying (i bet) traits is that i can be very fidgety.
for example, right now my legs won't stop moving. even if i have them crossed at the ankles, they won't stop moving.
the Atlanta Braves have a pitching coach who rocks forward and backward constantly throughout the game. i bet i'm there someday.

lately i've been listening a good bit to this reggae compilation in this month's Mojo magazine. lots of great stuff in that issue (as always with them). also the Starcadia ep by Joy Electric (now Electrical).
michial played me a brand new song last night, and while it's still in development right now obviously, it's going to be quite good. wish i could do that...

should be a great weekend. michial is here through tomorrow evening...tonight in lincoln is steak and beer night. not sure i'm in the mood for a beer, we'll see...and steak isn't going to fly with me, but we'll see what i can pick up and go grill. lots of good people are always there, i hear, though some of the people who usually are can't make it tonight. saturday should be a fun day...michial flies home in the evening...saturday evening and sunday i really want to get some writing done, though sunday i play to relax and watch the cubs a good bit.

frankly, this is one of the most boring entries i've ever done. i promise that even if it takes a month, the next thing i write will be much more intelligent, at least...can't promise anything in regards to how interesting it will be.

wow. first of august. here we are again.
still having a really wonderful time with michial being here...

i suppose blogs were invented to vent, so here goes.
when my friends hurt, i hurt. even if i did nothing to cause the hurt, even if i can't do anything about it, i still feel really bad if someone i care about is feeling bad. right now is one of those situations where a couple good friends have some rough stuff being done to them by other people, and it hurts and is frustrating to not really know what to do to deal with it.
i just hope they don't give up. they've got a good thing going and some great great times ahead of them.

in completely unrelated news...(i.e. work)...
i'm more than willing to do everything that expected and asked of me and more. after all, that is my job. my job is to make those above me look good. i have no problem with that, that's what i'm being paid to do.
however, when i'm expected to perform functions and do projects without all the details being given to me, when someone takes forever on something and expects me to perform a last-minute miracle, that's when i realize i'm underpaid and that sometimes things are just ridiculous.