so...i'm in trouble.

because i'm a rambler, the kids who have the grit to read through all this are going to get to read a lot, i suppose. i'm not so sure where to start, to be honest.
a popular question for internet forums, singles groups, etc., is "what are you attracted to in a man/woman first?"
and a few honest guys, some jokingly, will mention the breasts...other guys say the eyes or the hands or the smile or the hair or the butt or the legs or the face or the voice. the answer for me is "strength of moral character." i can sense it a mile away. or perhaps i should not lie.
as is probably typical of me, i don't really have a definitive "that's what i notice first" element to point to. in thinking back, i've been first attracted to different things about girls/women i've been interested in. the first serious go-round (i crushed on this girl for around 5 years before being trampled), i'm not really sure. she was more or less "untouchable," a daughter of the fiery music director, for whom i played trumpet and from whom i took lessons for years. perhaps that untouchability is what did it, i tend to set dangerous precedents for myself. i remember one girl in college had big brown eyes i really couldn't stay away from. i remember walking 20 minutes in Wisconsin winters to the grocery store where she worked, just to buy something small and stand in line so she would say a couple sentences to me. she was such a nice, shy girl that i hated to really say anything and put her in the position i did, but that more or less led to my experimentations with nyquil as an escape hatch. what attracted me to christy, my first girlfriend? i'm not sure. we were friends and had good times together before i really thought of her romantically. people who meet and/or know her know she's quite beautiful on the outside and a beautiful person on the inside. i think that with her, i first fell in love with being near her, having good times with her. with carole, i was attracted to both the wonderful, connecting discussions we had and to the person i saw inside...of course, when she got here in Omaha there were beautiful features (the first two that caught me being her eyes)i noticed before she even got out of the car, so there was more or less a couple different times to be attracted to something(s) first. in both of the above cases, however, it may be important to point out that what first put me in the position of being interested in either of those with whom i've had serious relationships...both times, while they are both quite beautiful in appearance, it was something of the non-physical element that started it off.
there are women i find Attractive, and then there are those to whom i am Attracted. i see physically beautiful women fairly often, between work, shopping, lunch break walks, and so on...some of them i recognize as beautiful, yet not Attractive. others that i find Attractive may not necessarily be what society deems Most Beautiful, but whatever. and then there are those to whom i am Attracted. those i find Attractive, i may not be Attracted to. and to make this even more complex, there's not a ton of consistency. i do find that i find Attractive more often hippie girls, "indie rock type" girls, and that sort of deal. Attracted to, though? that's tough. and often, there are very wonderful, beautiful, amazing, incredible women who yes, i find Attractive, yet even if i wanted to (and sometimes i do want to be), i just am not Attracted.

so...why am i in trouble?
well, because there's someone new in the Attracted To category.

i know what first attracted me to her. it was those eyes.
she was wearing a red business suit. i'm not a big fan of red. business suits i joke with carole about, but i'm not particularly partial one way or another. so "the look" definitely isn't what got me. the eyes did.
she's Russian. as in, from Russia. she attends a local university and is getting an advanced degree. she's gorgeous. it's way too easy for me to say "she's too beautiful, too smart for me" and i would be valid and justified in saying so.
however, this lady is refusing to leave my mind.
i went to a Vespers service at a church west of town and ended up staying for a barbecue held afterward, partly in hopes of meeting her. i did. i wonder if Fr. and/or his wife picked up on me being interested in her.
it's easy for me to say that she kept looking at me like i was looking at her. it's easy for me to say that i saw how she smiled when she talked.
of course, i have a track record of either being oblivious or reading way too much into things. so...we'll see.
it was time for me to leave. or at least, i decided it was time for me to leave, but i needed to talk to her just a little again. i found her.
"so...maybe i'll see you..." i had thought about what to say but still wasn't sure what to say next, despite not wanting to pause. "maybe i'll see you at one of these type of things again."
"i'm here a lot."

and i can't help but think she maybe is interested. and i can't help but think there's no way she is.
i only know that it might be right, and even though i legitimately have reason after reason after reason why i don't want a romantic relationship right now, i would be a fool to run away from something that could be good, short as life is, few chances as we get.
among those to whom i am Attracted, there are a few among those i feel very led to even think more than two or three times about. and it's obvious here's one.

and so i think i know where i'll be going for Vespers next week.