this post will make more sense if you read the last (long long long) one. though it likely won't make much sense at all.

this is more or less a footnote, or explanatory "appendix" type post, to explain part of why i refer to being "in trouble."

see, i've more or less been more than content, more than happy to be "single" or "without a relationship" for the last while.
the following are reasons why, combined with reasons i probably shouldn't be in one right now, combined with a few more things thrown in for good measure.
1. my current financial situation.
i'm slowly repaying college debt, which isn't a big deal, but on top of that, i've had a credit card that has a bit much on it. some of this is due to moving and not getting a job right away, a lot of it is due to school stuff, but some of it was just plain irresponsibility. either way, maybe it's pride, maybe it's an over-sense of responsibility, but i don't feel like thrusting that into a relationship.
2. i like freeness.
i really do. and perhaps i'm just lousy at compromising (i know i tend to give in way too much in general, it's a downfall), but i like not having someone else control what i'm doing tonight. admittedly, i recognize that at some point, this won't be a big deal, and this isn't really any huge huge factor keeping me from a relationship, but it does enter into my thought.
3. emotional readiness.
i don't know that i'm ready to trust like i should yet, give more of myself away the way i would want to. i don't really trust myself to know what anything is yet at this point.
4. spiritual issues.
this one is something i can't really give much in, but there are things i'm called to, directions i'm going, things i'm learning and experiencing, etc....and i don't want those to be compromised or inhibited by a relationship. i'm the first to admit that i'm lazy, i lack self-discipline and ascetic self-control, and i have a lot of work to do before even being in the position to say "this is my lifestyle, no one is going to change it because it's supposed to be this way." i need to be spending more time in prayer and meditation than i do now, and it needs to be understood that it's going to be that way. i am dedicated to certain things like mass, low mass, Bible study, sometimes vespers, teaching Sunday School, etc., and that's not to be compromised. in addition...i've realized that i could have someone who discourages my spirituality overtly (ie makes fun of it, directly attacks it, and so on) and/or covertly (with or without knowing it, but encourages me to do other things instead of what i should), or someone who encourages it but doesn't really get it or care much about it herself, and therefore would in a way discourage me from it. however, that's not going to work, none of it...i need someone who is on a similar path as mine or is very open to it. that's not to say that i say "Orthodox should only date Orthodox" and so on, because that's missing the point...and besides, other people work this stuff out with God, this is just how i have. however, someone who is going to be a distraction more than the obvious minimals, it's just not going to work.
5. i don't necessarily know where i'll be in a few years. i plan to finish school here in Omaha, this is a really great opportunity i have, but i'd like to be in Chicago maybe after that. or who knows. but i want to be open to things as opposed to feel obligated to remain here.
6. this is maybe lame, but i do have a lot of interests. this maybe ties into the freedom thing...but i just don't know, i need someone who i can get along with on a day to day basis, who enjoys, encourages, or at least tolerates my various music tastes. someone who likes reading in the way that i do....doesn't mind me watching the Cubs or watching great films or discussing philosophy or the amount of time i should be working on the zine (this could be a separate number!) or so on. and, i know, "good luck," and i suppose i'm being overly idealistic, but this does matter to me.
7. i should just add in here that long-distance relationships are a definite no-no for me at this point. many reasons why not, but suffice it to say, no....at least for me, at least for now.

and i could go on and on, i bet, but it's past time to leave for work and go to low mass fairly soon.
anyway, should this conglomeration, these things keep me from even pursuing what may or may not be an opportunity?
should i just not say anything, not go anywhere near her church for a while, just go about my life? or should i go sometime soon, talk to her, and see what happens?
i'll tell you this much.
i've seen enough in my life to realize that life is short. we control how we choose, yes, but opportunities don't just come, not without any reason. there are times in life when one must act, and the rest will at some point fall into place...or fall apart...but at least you know. and...i think that in this case, i really want to know.