as the counting crows would say, it's been a long december. i'm not sure that there's reason to believe this year will be better than the last, though.
ooh, look at the drama queen!

welcome to any of you crazy people who got here from the vagrant boards.
4.
4?
mine is an energy that i *choose* to share. some sort of superhero affirmation on tv, sorry.
i've been writing more lately. i'm hoping to get back to doing some fiction, do more music stuff, and of course work on a book liz and i are starting.
not to mention read more.
lofty goals indeed.

nothing too deep to write about tonight. there's a lot that is in there that wants out, many thoughts...but none of them are actually allowing themselves to be fused with the alphabet, no words are forming. so i guess everyone will have to wait or read from days before this.

it's amazing what a few shots mixed with 7up will do for my clarity. i get less tense and start making more peaceful decisions. i hope.

i feel like coolio...i think that probably at this point "even my momma thinks that my mind is gone."

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
and where ther is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that i may
not so much seek to be consoled,
as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive--
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are
born to eternal life."
--St. Francis of Assissi

(i realize that tonight's content is all other people's. that's how it is. this prayer has been a favorite prayer of mine to pray for quite some time now and i decided tonight is the night to share it with all 3.5 of you who read this)

wow, it's been over a week since i updated. hmm.

well, this is shaping up to be one of the strangest weeks of my life yet.
that's not necessarily a bad thing.
in fact, so far all the new things going on or news or whatever has been really good...or at least potentially good. i guess we'll see.

i'm back in niles for christmas...
i have so much i want to write...there's so much to write about...but i'm going to wait until i'm back in omaha.
i have a feeling that this "weird week" isn't over by a sight.

A monk said to Joshu, "I have just entered this monastery. Please teach me."
"Have you eaten your rice porridge?" asked Joshu. "Yes, I have," replied the monk.
"Then you had better wash your bowl," said Joshu.
With this the monk gained enlightenment.
(from a book of Zen)

While much (sometimes far too much) of my life is more or less lived spontaneously, i still have tendency to put the carriage before the horse and start planning things out without taking care of the present.
the moment will never be beautiful compared to the future, because the future is a manipulated illusion.
i shall strive to make this moment in which i live as beautiful as it can be, and by doing so, the future will be beautiful whether i plan for it to be or not.

what i left behind, i have found...
what i have not left behind, perhaps i shall never.
what i left behind, i cannot find again.

my bare feet exist to find broken glass.

i'm not sure who reads this anymore. sometimes i hope everyone, sometimes i hope no one. perhaps i am honest here so i can be without being found. perhaps i am honest here so i can somehow be discovered. i don't know what it is tonight, but honesty wants to crawl out of me so i must.

one of the most basic, fundamental, essential, root elements of me is this:
i naturally self-destruct.
were it not for grace, i'd drink myself into silence every night. i'd find the local smack dealer and spend every free cent to shoot up. that's sort of constant urge i struggle against. if there's a hard way to go about something, i find it. i'm actually quite picky regarding girls, but yet...the only ones i become interested in...they are far too creative, thoughtful, beautiful, complex, and otherwise obstructed or involved...the one relationship i was ever in was horrible for me and the only women i think to myself "yes, she could be" are far beyond my reach. and while i am backwards and shy and horribly self-conscious, i always find a way to be bold and confirm the inevitable...further hacking away at my lifeblood. if i have an idea, i find the most difficult ways to express it, plan it, and make it happen...though whether it really happens at all is a question you might ask to find me staring blankly back at you. also, i find ways to dig my own grave, whether it be agreeing to do something at my own expense or choosing hobbies that are beyond both my means of talent and finance.

those of us with self-awareness wonder who we are...well, this is part of my core. i felt i should share.

right now i'm sitting in a class. since part of what we (where i work) do is doing classes for people, i'm sitting in on a couple the last 3 days of this week. yesterday was about Excel, today and friday about Access. so here i sit while the instructor helps those who aren't very computer literate...
i'm sipping not-so-good coffee that's been going since this morning, but it's free. i didn't have any this morning so i wouldn't have to keep going to the bathroom during the class, but this damn caffeine addiction made me go nuts by 2pm, so i'm sipping on this crap.
it's weak and tastes more like a squalid tea.
only 12 more pages til we're done for the day, he says.

"last night i dreamt that somebody loved me. no hope, no harm, just another false alarm." --The Smiths

so last night (you've probably guessed by now) i really did dream that somebody loved me. and like the Moz says, "no hope, no harm, just another false alarm."
While right now i'm not in a place in my life where i'm desperate or consumed with finding "somebody to love," having a dream that you just met a special someone and then waking up to an armful of blankets, a half-empty bed, and the coldness found in a room unshared...well, it jabs at the soul, making it sad.
it wasn't a sexual dream...not in the least bit. the girl wasn't anyone i know (which is good...that would probably only make things much worse), though a few of my best friends from high school were in it, for some reason...they were only really in peripheral roles, though, not really important to the center of the dream. anyway, we had just discovered love in each other and we were just content to share time together...the last i remember before i awoke was just the two of us standing there, in a hug, unsure if we would begin to dance or just stand there for a while, continuing to just enjoy the moment budding love brings two people to hold each other close as if to rid the world (and dream) of everyone but them.

"i once had a dream, so i packed up and split for the city. i soon found out that my lonely life wasn't too pretty." --from Pet Sounds
don't worry, this isn't going to be one more whine amongst those that make up the angst-filled blog community. it just really hit me as a great couple of lines that yes, do somewhat fit me...but it still is better than how it was, and i'm glad i'm here.
i realize it's been a couple weeks since i updated this blog...work has had me busy, though not necessarily less reflective. it was just better i reflect even more privately than this, i suppose.
Work is actually going quite well. everyone there is kind and patient with me and i feel as if i'm learning and doing fairly well. hopefully i'll be aware when i'm not, or will be made to be aware mercifully.
another pertinent line:
"the poor cook, he got the fits and threw away all of my grits."
or....maybe not.
anyway...there's a lot going on inside me right now. i have no idea who (if anyone) reads this, especially after a couple weeks of nothing...but it's almost as if i feel called to not verbalize things so much right now. while sometimes, many times...it's therepeutic, meaningful, and something i learn more about myself from, right now i feel as if i'm supposed to just mull and chew and contemplate over things. i'm not so sure how to describe anything right now, anyway...so it's better i not try and end up confusing anyone who would read this and feel affronted or unappreciated.

in other news...
i feel ready to love, yet so far from it. for a long time, i felt as if i were not ready to love after "the big nasty breakup" or whatever. and yes...i still have much to learn, no doubt about it...but i feel as if i'm healthy enough and have God's go-ahead, were the situation to come up. of course, other than about 3 friends in the area who aren't really people i could end up in a serious relationship with, i know no females "within range." not at work, not at church, not really anywhere. i'm not exactly doing a whole lot socially, either... so either this person is someone who isn't living around here, or i'm blind, or something crazy and miraculous (though isn't that always how it happens, in essence?) will happen. or, you know...all three. don't get me wrong...i'm in no hurry, and certainly my circumstances aren't the most conducive, but i guess i'm just saying. who knows...who cares...

anyway, i'm drinking ginger ale and it actually is helping with the heartburn, which seems to be what happens when i drink 3 cups of coffee and have just a little food today. maybe i'll be hungry soon.

well, for the kids who read this...sorry it was boring and probably redundant (with my memory, i may have posted very similar stuff 3 weeks ago and don't have the thought to go back and look before writing it) and of absolutely no entertainment value whatsoever.

you're not cheated or ripped off if you paid nothing to watch.......