my bare feet exist to find broken glass.

i'm not sure who reads this anymore. sometimes i hope everyone, sometimes i hope no one. perhaps i am honest here so i can be without being found. perhaps i am honest here so i can somehow be discovered. i don't know what it is tonight, but honesty wants to crawl out of me so i must.

one of the most basic, fundamental, essential, root elements of me is this:
i naturally self-destruct.
were it not for grace, i'd drink myself into silence every night. i'd find the local smack dealer and spend every free cent to shoot up. that's sort of constant urge i struggle against. if there's a hard way to go about something, i find it. i'm actually quite picky regarding girls, but yet...the only ones i become interested in...they are far too creative, thoughtful, beautiful, complex, and otherwise obstructed or involved...the one relationship i was ever in was horrible for me and the only women i think to myself "yes, she could be" are far beyond my reach. and while i am backwards and shy and horribly self-conscious, i always find a way to be bold and confirm the inevitable...further hacking away at my lifeblood. if i have an idea, i find the most difficult ways to express it, plan it, and make it happen...though whether it really happens at all is a question you might ask to find me staring blankly back at you. also, i find ways to dig my own grave, whether it be agreeing to do something at my own expense or choosing hobbies that are beyond both my means of talent and finance.

those of us with self-awareness wonder who we are...well, this is part of my core. i felt i should share.