ok, the comment system is working again.
there's a little piece i wrote yesterday, it's just below the entry before this one...

i've been trying to get a comment pop-up window thing again and for some reason, it just won't work. perhaps i'll try again today.
this morning i got up early and michial and i went to the record store that was supposedly opening from 7-9am to sell the new Springsteen record. we got there and nothing was happening. it wasn't open and no one was inside. i'm guessing that what may have happened is that it may have been at a different location, but if it wasn't downtown that wasn't specified on the flyer. i'll have to find someone to whine to later.
this morning's other frustration (and this may be more minor) is that i couldn't find my tamales. on saturday i bought tamales from the lady who goes door to door selling them. i put them in the refrigerator and they've disappeared! they were nowhere to be found, i looked for probably 10 minutes total this morning. i'm wondering if they got inadvertently thrown out, though the big bowl of cookie dough from a month ago (literally) still hasn't been taken care of, so i doubt anyone thought "i'll clean out the fridge" and tossed them out, they may have just said "these are in the way and look old, so..." and there they went. i really don't know. they were to be my lunch today and thursday, but i suppose it wasn't to be. if someone ate them, then fine with me...
the main reason i tell that is not to complain so much as to incorporate the word "tamales" a time or two in my blog. also because it's matched today's tone thus far.

Lunchtime means the tie comes off.
It's a Nice Day Out and nothing's better for you than a walk in the park, so a lunch date is canceled. I hope against hard feelings and cross against lights.
I wander down by the river. It isn't a real river, but the trees are. I shiver and watch the lights on the trees blink, then shine full force on a winter's evening. I'm striding through July humidity.
Several executives stand on the bridge I am under. No doubt they and their children own stereo, video, and game equipment that totals more than I am worth, but at lunchtime entertainment costs only the price of dropping a small piece of bread into the water and watching the fish lunge and nibble. Someone mentions pirrhana.
I sit in the grass along the water's edge. The clothes I wear somehow earn a small bit of respect and separate me from the homeless man a hundred feet away or the slacker kid walking on the other side. Suddenly I don't want them anymore.
I stare into the water, watching the building's reflection, waiting to see a red cord's slow descent from an upper story window.

now playing: Wilco, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
i'm actually seeing them play tonight. michial and i are excited...hopefully jason and nolan are coming.

yes, michial is visiting right now. it's really great.

we hung out a good bit with jason yesterday afternoon and it was a wonderful time, ate at a restaurant i hadn't been to before.
seth is here too, for a few days...great person, i'm glad to get to spend some time with him and i'm glad he and carole get to have some time together.

so it was a fun weekend.

it's just really great to have michial here...we can sit around or take a walk and talk about music, film, snl, all that sort of thing, endlessly. same with jason when he's around, actually, too. not many people around who have time to hang out much, and it's great to talk with someone on the "things" and "ideas" level, too, as opposed to the "people" level.

carole made a very good meal last night. damned tasty.

last night, saw "the man who wasn't there"...very good film. i missed a few minutes due to my usual film-related narcolepsy i seem to always have, but wow. went to sleep just after midnight but got woken up and had a hard time getting back to sleep, but hopefully i'll feel better later today.



i'm not sure why so many of us have such a great time sharing weird dreams, but we do.

so you get to read it.

the other night i had this dream that one of my co-workers was riding a horse in some parade type thing, except it was in a mall.
so i went to see it. so he's riding this horse in the parade in the mall and suddenly his horse got skittish and it set off utter chaos for a few minutes. i can't really describe it, so i won't try.

so then i was just walking around in the aftermath, digging on how everything looked versus how the mall had looked before, and a pretty girl walks up to me. she tells me that she and her family wanted me to know that Oasis was going to be in Chicago this fall and that tickets were going to go on sale in a week or so. we had a good conversation about ticket lines and chicago and that sort of thing. i asked her why they wanted to tell me and apologized for not knowing them if i should. she said she and her sister just thought i looked like someone who would like Oasis and they really wanted to meet me so they thought they'd tell me that. that's the point where i woke up.



i actually ate breakfast at home on a weekday. i'm pretty proud of myself for that.



it's 10:40 and i'm hungry for mexican food, i'm not sure why. i don't really feel like going to a restaurant for lunch, though, and last night's leftovers will be really good, so it's going to work out just fine.



this has been a pretty basic update type post, but people ask me what i've been up to, so i post this sort of thing.



the last couple weeks i've spent a lot of time just contemplating who i am, where i'm at, how to handle life's situations. not that i never do otherwise, because i actually probably do way too much (it's no secret i'm fairly aloof and self-absorbed much of the time), but the last couple weeks it's been in a more constructive, practical, and i suppose a good word is "pro-active." some changes need to be made, some confrontations need to be made, some things are going to need to be discussed and worked out. i really hate confronting myself, and i suppose that's the hardest part. i can realize that a change needs to be made and i can make somewhat of an effort, but what usually needs to happen is a confrontation. i have to call myself out on stuff and just be very honest. it's hard for me to do that with other people, it's easier to be a doormat that have confrontation, but with myself it's even harder. something i've learned, however, is that if someone wants to change, knows the need is there, and truly desires the change to be made, it can be done. it may take a while, it is probably going to hurt a bit one way and/or another, but it can be done. and yes, you slip, you fall, you screw up...but the change is still there. anyway, for the most part, none of what i'm talking about or referring to is witnessable in regards to the situation within myself that i refer to (and were this in regards to a situation involving another person, it wouldn't be posted), but sometimes writing about this sort of thing is a good reminder for me to have seen typed out by myself...and who knows, perhaps someone i don't even know who may read this needs to know that things really can change, so there you have it. and yes, to be honest, the above description is really applicable to many things in my life that need worked on. it's really best i don't start saying more about it because otherwise, i'll never shut up and i have quite a good bit of work to do.

one if by land, two if by sea.
i remember reading over and over a children's storybook about the story of Paul Revere.
about how they knew the british were going to be coming to attack and that men sat from high up and watched to see how they would come so they could tell the other rebels how and where to respond.
i was always fascinated by the guy in the belltower...how everything was crucial to his putting up one lights or two. how the battle wasn't just about fighting, it was about strategy, even on such a simple level. how everyone was counting on this one guy to handle the lamps responsibly.
when it came down to it, though, it didn't matter who he was. it didn't matter whether the guy was educated or not. he'd most likely read some Thomas Paine...and even the farmers back then were pretty decently read, from what i've read...but who knows, maybe he wasn't the best-read guy in the group. maybe he was a lousy shot. shoot, for all we know, the reason he was in that tower is because he was an absolute asshole and no one wanted him around anywhere else. it was in a church tower so it may well have been a minister. i don't know. i'm sure i could find out with enough studying, eventually. but the point is that he as an individual...well, his individuality, his essence, is not what counted at that moment. what counted is his action. i realize this comes off as horribly utilitarian and we can rationalize away many things just by saying "for the greater good." my point, however, is that life is crazy and we never know when we may be that guy in the belltower. we don't know when we might be thrust into a situation and suddenly be the one who is responsible for shining the right lights. one of the great cliche misnomers is that "every child who is born could grow up to be President of the United States." we all know that the child is generally going to need to be white, male, and privileged to make that happen. however, what about the belltower guy? if andy warhol was right about everyone's 15 minutes, then we all have our belltower moments, even if they are just on a small level. i'm not saying all this to be some sort of "hope and inspiration" piece...what i'm saying is that whoever we are, at some point we're responsible for more than just ourselves, and perhaps we should be ready. there are certain people who i know already are going to be around, are extremely talented and driven, doing more than just the belltower thing, are or are going to be influencing a good number of people on a fairly steady basis--people like neil, carole, liz, seth, kyle, michial, and a bunch more--and these are all people i think the world of and get really excited fairly often at what can be accomplished and i believe will be--but when it comes down to it, we never know when something might happen and someone, anyone, will need to handle the belltower. and i suppose, when it comes down to it, the reason i say all this is because while i alluded to a bit of the negative side of this yesterday, i want to be someone who, while my influence or whatever may never really be anything big, if i can be of influence to people in small ways, in such a way that when their belltower times come, they are able to take care of what needs done, then i'll have accomplished what i was put here to do.
ok, i'm done with self-centered, self-indulgent blathering now. at least for a while.

it's weighing
we watch the burst
in chairs.
---------

i didn't feel like mentioning them yesterday, because i was in a rambly mood and had certain things to get out of my system. but here's what made me so paranoid yesterday.

1. as alluded to later on, my brother died 8 years ago yesterday. it was a nasty riptide that no one could predict or do anything about. one of those things where nothing out of the ordinary was going on and suddenly, weird natural occurrence and bam, 4 in the family instead of 5. i really just don't feel like saying anymore about it.
2. i really don't think i'll go into detail here, but i'm having to run the zine myself, or at least, without someone who had the dream with me at one time.
3. i watched the other day as a policeman rolled slowly through the neighborhood, looking for parking violators. he actually stuck a sticker on one guy who had plates and was parked just fine. i've seen this happen before, too. i honestly believe that the police roll through our neighborhood because many there are poor and hispanic and don't really know the system or language enough to defend themselves against this. it shouldn't, but this really fucks with my sense of perspective. again, i'm not especially rambly today, so i won't go on and on about this like i usually would. somehow i seem to forget that someone at the IRS adjusted my taxes and corrected a mistake i made, and i got a nice refund out of it. so like i said, even in the back of my mind, i know it's not as bad as i feel it to be.

8 years ago today. Rest in Peace.

i woke up this morning feeling extremely paranoid.
granted, i'm pretty paranoid about stuff in general. it's odd that i say that because i live my life trying to help out other people, yet the majority of my inner self is constantly saying "they're just gonna screw you over. you're just going to get hurt. you're going to get used."
but this morning it's been overwhelming. it's more than likely due to a couple of unmentioned circumstances.
no sense on dwelling on myself or the feeling itself, there's a ton i'd like to write but first, i'm not interested in being a part of the blogging norm that cries, whines, and bitches incessantly; and second, i couldn't do it without sounding incredibly bitter and misrepresenting myself, thus creating problems with people i'd spend days ironing out.
one of my admitted faults is that i'm probably overly objective. for example, if someone treats me badly, i generally just let it happen and am a ton more concerned with the "why" aspect, with understanding how the situation came to be and why it is this is happening. however, a positive aspect to this is that even in the extreme paranoia i find myself in, i'm still able to understand that this is only my own reality. reality as it exists as a whole contains elements of my reality--no doubt that there are some people who are trying to screw me over or think i'm an idiot and talk about me behind my back and make fun of me a good bit--but i also understand that most likely, the number of those who are that way are fewer than how i'm thinking right now.
the problem when the usual paranoia increases a good bit is that i start developing a "screw you all" attitude. which, i mean, is the norm for some folks, i suppose, but not what i'm called to, not who i truly am made to be. i suppose that's where my objectivity comes in...i realize that if i act in accordance with the "everyone's out to screw me over, so i may as well aggressively go after my own interests and screw everyone else," then i'm only going to be feeding the paranoid frenzy of others out there who are like me, not generally out for blood and not trying to hurt anyone; or even worse, i might hurt or help condition someone who is naive and unconditioned. i still remember what it was like in my childhood, coming from a very calm, peaceful, loving home environment (which i do thank God for) and then over and over and over i was treated like crap unexpectedly and by people who had no right to do so at church, christian school, etc...and i don't want to be the one to inflict that upon someone else, i don't want to be the one who bursts someone else's idealistic bubble, though it inevitably will be burst. it's what Jesus says in the Bible...whoever causes a child to stumble may as well have a millstone hung around his neck and tossed into the ocean. while God forgives and i'd like to think that i have, i can't help but believe that a lot of people who, in their minds, are quite exemplary, God-fearing, up-standing, moralistic Christians are going to be surprised at how many millstones they have around their necks someday. i don't know, i don't really pretend to be much more than sinful; i know i have not having figured out a whole lot, but it kills me to see people throw garbage at kids like that. if nothing else, i want to be someone who maybe helps kids from getting the feeling that everyone is out to get them, because even if everyone else in the world is, i won't be.

and i just realized that i sound like some sick sort of cross between woody allen and holden caulfield. perhaps i should just take a sick day and go home and go back to sleep.

did you ever see that old Disney movie, That Darn Cat...you know, the one with hayley mills?
i never actually watched it because frankly, i never liked hayley mills movies. Pollyanna i saw, probably more than once because it was on tv a lot at my house, but no thanks. there was another one about twins setting up their divorced parents or something. anyhow, if i remember correctly, That Darn Cat is about a cat that led some kids on some sort of mystery where they discovered some spies or something. and the kids were all a lot better off (after going through the prerequisite danger, of course) for having been around "that darn cat." jump to 2002 and downtown Omaha. we have "that damn cat" running around. actually he's not such a bad sort. i say that because he likes me. anyhow, have you ever had a friend who showed up or wanted to show up at inopportune times, you did all you could for him, but he just didn't give a shit if he inconvenienced you? Pumpkin (or as i call him, Denny) is becoming that friend. first off, he showed up at 3am the other morning just as carole had dropped me off before taking a little trip. long story that i don't even really know, i just know that 2:30-3am was spent with me not being in bed, going to a grocery store and ATM there and the Quick Trip. it was actually a good bit of interesting fun, and of course i was out of my mind the whole time. anyway, she drops me off and there's that damn cat. i aspire to be some sort of midwestern urban St. Francis of Assissi, so i let him in and fed him. and he hopped up in my lap, shed all over me, etc. poor thing looked like he could use some love. we hung out til about 4am or so and then i realized that it was just time to go to sleep and that he should probably be needing to use the outdoors soon anyway. so he took off. this morning i step out the door for work and bam, there he is. understand that we hadn't really seen him much at all for the last month, now twice in several days. he must have finally forgiven carole for trying to force a bath on him. so i let him in and told carole he was there. she just isn't in the best way in the mornings, usually doesn't feel well and such, but i figured this would be ok. she wasn't so much in the mood to deal with him, so i turned around to go downstairs and work things out with him (i didn't have time myself) and there he was upstairs. so carole got up, tried to have him go outside, he ran back in, and unfortunately i had to take off. i felt a bit bad about the whole thing, but didn't know what else to do and i'm not going to be late for work due to this cat. so i'm afraid i may have taught him a poor lesson this morning, i hope to God that he doesn't make this a habit. i'm not really sure. carole said we should teach him somehow what time of day to come around. maybe we can.
anyhow, there's a big kitty update for anyone who might possibly find this amusing. and i really doubt that Pumpkin or Denny (or really, whatever you wish to call him) is going to lead us on any halfway enriching adventure, but i suppose you never know.

today has been a good drink day.
i had a pretty decent cup of coffee at church at our coffee hour. and half an english muffin with some great red pepper creamy stuff. and, well, a long john with pudding in it. my favorite.
then i went to Serbian Cultural Day at the Serbian Orthodox church in town and had a shot of plum brandy (i forget their serbian word for it) with my authentic serbian dinner. it was...well...brandy. good stuff. warms you up on a 100 degree day.
then we were watching SNL or something and there was a commercial for Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. now i'm not really a big fan of the hard lemonade or really very many of those new malty citrusy drinks, i find them way too sweet for my taste. anyway, i saw the commercial and hadn't heard of the cranberry lemonade before. i told carole about it and we both went nuts. a few minutes later, i was on my way to the grocery store and picked some up. so obviously i had one of those. very very very good.
then Carole and i went to Borders. i got sad that certain DVDs were so expensive. i bought a couple magazines and a Lead Belly cd. and bought a Jones Orange & Cream Soda, which is good drink #4 of the day. now i'm home and drinking a Newcastle, which is obviously #5. small things make me happy, apparently.

Seth (see the Selbst blog on my links list) has done a bit of discussion regarding relationships on his blog in the past 24 hours.
as so much of what he writes does, it made me think. and, now, comment. You'll probably want to read his first--what i'll say probably won't make much sense, but will make a bit more if you read his first.



The whole self-preservation thing makes a ton of sense to me, at least in my mind. However, if attempting to find a mate were mostly a matter of self-preservation (in a larger sense), then at least for me, it certainly isn't on an immediate level. i've been through more sh*t that brought me much closer to my deathbed as a result of that Search than anything else in my life by a long shot. perhaps part of the reason, then, that i'm not Searching at this point in my life is pure self-preservation instinct saying "listen, buddy, it's better to live to 70 and have no family to remember you than die before 30 trying."



so, then, why do we Search? and why do i keep using a capital "S"? both of these are tough questions and the second one may never be answered.

Incidentally, for an interesting take on all this, check out the part in Hedwig and the Angry Inch about the "Origin of Love." wonderful animated sequence, very interesting song. i know i'd heard that "theory" before as part of an ancient culture, but that's a pretty unique take and visual of it.


On a very base level, we do have a sex drive. there's no denying it, there's no (comfortable) way around it. it's there, it's lurking. even at the stage where i'm at, 25 and not particularly looking for anyone, that damn sex drive won't go away. even what self-preservation instincts i do have must battle like crazy because some days, given the opportunity, i'd mess my life up to appease the big Drive. every time i become interested in a woman, it's someone who is very creative and artistic, someone very intelligent, someone i could have wonderful discussions with. yet that sex drive doesn't care what she listens to, what she reads, what she quotes, or any of that. all that to say that no, it won't go away and whatever else interests us in a person, the pants still want to come off.



the Search, however, thank God, has a lot more to it. We were not meant to be creatures controlled by our sex drive. we were not meant to merely mate, reproduce, and then go find someone else with whom to repeat the cycle. the family, both in the immediate "father, mother, children" sense and in the more communal sense, have been with us since day 1.



what i believe is the key driving force in The Search has to do with how God created us. God created us in His image and likeness. Humanity was made with a certain amount of potential to become like God--in what we can do with our minds, in our relationships, in how our bodies operate, etc. Of course, the Fall came along and screwed that all up, and in a broader sense, spirituality is about regaining that lost humanity we were created to fulfill. We are told that "God is Love" and we can see the lengths to which His love drove him. This isn't just a romantic love, though romance certainly is an element (see Song of Solomon, of course). This love is a relational love, a love that is intimate, sharing, trusting, and fulfills us as we fulfill those we love. This is the love that all of humanity was to have--to be human would be to have this love. we are still meant to have this love, we were made with the potential for it. love is meant to be experienced sensually (meaning through the senses) in addition to emotionally, intellectually, etc., and certainly sexuality is a part of that love, but certainly not always. anyway, this Search so many of us are on...it is a search to fulfill our true humanity. if God is Love, and separation from God is hell...well, we're mostly western here, we can do the logic. where we get confused is that we equate the Love we are seeking with a love that is exclusively romantic (our first mistake is imagining that any love can be exclusively romantic)...and romantic love itself IS very tied in with sexuality, and we let sexual love and romantic love become confused with an active sex drive, and bam. Sin entering the world isn't as much about wrong actions entering the world, it's about distortion entering the world, our clarity becoming lost. when our view of romantic love becomes distorted, then our view of Love is distorted...and we view a separation from a sexual and/or romantic relationship as a separation from Love, and thus create our own "hell." thus, our Search is not what we think it is. true...in a romantic relationship, Love can be realized, and a romantic relationship can be the gateway to the path to Love--but it is not the doorway. thus, to summarize once again, our Search is humanity seeking to regain itself, its own nature, to be that which it was created to be, to be relational and intimate in the way that God is.

classic moment in music for today:
it was actually made fun of on SNL a couple years ago, but you have to love the cowbells on "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

i want to go home, write, and have some pizza.
even if it means only writing for an hour or two, i should really lay off the damned coffee tonight, as much as i don't want to. i love it but it's going to wreck me if i'm not careful, especially in this infernal heat.
i should probably put those license plates on my car, as well. we'll wait til it's almost dark to do that, though.

see above for mundane at its finest.

wednesday was a really good day of work. i ended up going in to work around 7, yes, about an hour early. i got a good bit done, though, which is good. i left work about 10 minutes early as a small compensation, hehe...anyway, then i went home and worked on writing and zine stuff pretty much all night, til about midnight. katy and i corresponded and talked a good bit about how zine stuff is going and i'm very very thrilled about it all right now. the non-music side of things is going to be very lean this time around, but that's a longer-term goal anyway. this is what makes me happy, really. sure, i get "lonely" or whatever, but really...right now i'm focused on getting this zine really going...and reading up and focusing on spirituality sort of stuff (even after getting off the computer just before midnight, i still went down and read more theology before falling asleep)...and following the cubs and seeing the occasional show or movie...that's what i need right now, that's what i want right now.

well, here's a bit of a step. i filled out an admissions application for the University. i doubt i'll take anything this fall...the classes i'd probably take are all filled up...but this winter, look out. the old guy may be around for an evening class or two.

"so i said 'i don't mind if i lose/ because if i win i'll be so confused.' but that's not what you'd expect/ from a man whose plan is already wrecked."
i love how melancholy yet somewhat hopeful this song is. "she fell into my arms" by ed harcourt. full lyrics may still be around below.
this is british rock at its finest.

so...here i am...2nd day in a row to work at least half an hour early. 7:15 today. yesterday was less my choice, it was to help someone out...today is because i need some time to just work without interruptions. common theme here is knowing what to get done, just trying to do it. last night i knew what i wanted to write, but it just wouldn't come out. hopefully tonight. so i start the coffee a bit earlier, pretend i'm eating some breakfast, and plug away.

it's time for Classic Musical Moments.
today: "California Dreamin' " by the Mamas and the Papas.
what makes this song especially great (besides the already psychadelibluesy sound and the witty lyrics) is the flute solo, used instead of guitar (kids, this was years before Jethro Tull!) dig that wailing flute, it's got the blues. i don't think i'll ever want to live in L.A., but each time i hear this song, for 2 minutes I do.

well, for whatever reason, the old template wasn't acceptable to the blogger gods. so i have this one. i'll work on installing the comment section again soon.
i had taco bell for lunch today.
i'm using irish creme non-dairy creamer.
i'm feeling particularly inane.

i really need to cut my hair. this is getting ridiculous.

i love a busy day.
then again, it's frustrating when the computer glitches, the fax machine is a piece of shit and won't work, and jamie from westco graphics, who has now taken over a week to do what was promised to be a 2-3 day job, has to leave a message because i'm delivering a message to someone because the email crashed on me and i had to go tell this person something immediately.

for some reason, i keep getting an error saying it's not able to load my template file. but yet it loads on the actual page. weird.

the writing went well on saturday. sunday was pretty much a wash, but such is life. and the cubs won. so i'm happy.

i hate spending money on things like televisions but it's about time for a new one. can't see half the screen so much of the time.

today's just a choppy day. actually i'm afraid that if i start saying much, i'll start writing, and work is far too busy for that today.

live life. experience. go for it.

i sound like a g------- motivational poster. i've become Successories.

If it falls, I may not pick it up
Spoon-fed spoils him,
Is it sour if it wasn’t ever sweet?
And a boy puts candy on the sidewalk
Just to watch the ants
Birds in heaven, if that’s heaven,
Then miners must be in hell.
Lady in a pretty dress
Still a woman wanting
Tower just a building
With some floors
Can I sleep on yours?

back to what i write:

i want to think it doesn't matter
you know i'm not one to flatter
but open windows means the light comes in
for the view i'd pay the wages of sin

we're sitting in the shadows of fire
swallowed by an ignorant choir.

( i [expletive] hate rhymes but for some reason, got fascinated with it. yick.)

i usually hate it when people post long songs in their blogs, but get over it.
this is the song i'm hooked on. copyright Ed Harcourt.

She Fell Into My Arms

Well I burnt all my travellers cheques
Just to show you my respect
Then I hung myself out to dry
And you looked at me and asked me why

So I said I don't mind if I lose
'Cause if I win I'll be so confused
But that's not what you'd expect
From a man whose plan is already wrecked

And if you need to kiss me
Then you'll most definitely miss me
When I'm gone

Well there's a thousand things I shouldn't do
But if I do them I should do them with you
So won't you fall into my arms again
And hold me for the world may end

And if you need to kiss me
Then you'll most definitely miss me
When I'm gone

God, you make me sing
Funny things about you
You infect my mind
All the time, you do

Well I just can't contain myself In fact
I'm worried I might lose my health
I can't eat, sleep or hardly breathe
I can hardly ever watch you leave

And if you need to kiss me
Then you'll most definitely miss me
When I'm gone

God, you make me sing
Funny things about you
You infect my mind
All the time, you do

you must check out music by Ed Harcourt. if you like well-written songs, a british sound....dig this.

so here i sit, tossing the occasional mini-oreo into my mouth and drinking an americano with sugar in the raw in it. i'm updating the company website and also (i have to multi-task to stay awake) making sure we have equipment reserved for upcoming classes. big big fun.

np: The Faint, "Agenda Suicide"
finally a couple days where it's not so hot and steamy outside. thank God.
i don't know if it's going to be chillier and cloudy all weekend, but i hope so.
this is the weekend where i finally succomb to the depression i've been staving off for a while, probably about a week...
i write and work on the site much better when i'm more depressed, so this should work out well. just give me a pot of coffee, music on the stereo, my computer, and that will be my weekend, though i'm sure watching an old movie or two and the cubs will also be where it's at for breaks. i should live in the northwest, my disposition seems to suit it.
no doubt i'll be posting intermittently as random thoughts come to mind. i only wish today were one of the days i could go home early so i could get this all started.

i've officially reached a new level of internet dorkdom.
i am posting to my blog from an internet cafe.
getting online here at the coffee shop was becca's idea. she likes dashboard confessional, so that ties it all together.
she points out that she doesn't like them *that* much, she likes rocking horse winner better.
i say fine, i'll type whatever keeps me from being stabbed by that chopstick in her hair.
this is "ultra dramatic" type becca, for all you vagrant cafe kids.
i think the highlight of this internet table is the "flip screen" option. bigbigfun.

i guess i didn't post a lot to this today. i was actually very busy.

i have a weakness for hippie girls. as in, i really shouldn't go to the Wild Oats store very often at all, because there's always some girl there i can't ignore. i'm an idiot.

so...
i worked 1 day in the last 7. now back to the regular schedule for a while. i was sick of it before i drove back to work.
hopefully this weekend i can just keep it quiet, maybe see a movie, work like a madman on the website. i hope it works out that way.
i have a feeling i'll be posting to the blogger a lot today, it's just that sort of day.
i have a ton of work to do here at work today, which is a good feeling.

first confession: i am utterly and sickly fascinated and addicted to "Without Me" by Eminem. it actually is brilliantly written and a well-done pop song, but there's a certain stigma to actually liking it, i suppose.

good songs i'm hooked on right now:
"She fell into my arms" by Ed Harcourt. this is probably one of my favorites of the year.
"fell in love with a girl" the white stripes
"hate to say i told you so" by the hives
"get free" the vines
"there goes the fear" by doves.
"my beautiful sinking ship" by devics
"love burns" by black rebel motorcycle club

so...about that earlier post.

first off, yes, i agree it'd make a great song. in a world where i were a songwriter and not a wannabe poet, it would be, it would have a chorus and everything. but i don't play an instrument. so there you have it.

as far as my thinking goes on it...
actually the first half should be fairly self-explanatory.
the last 3 lines:
all we're really doing is borrowing "everything we have," but so many of us get very possessive of it, be that a chair, a person, an idea, a moment, a stated point of view, a television, a sandwich, whatever.
all we really own is our perspective, our experience, "that which he sees."
of course, our perspective is not always reality, but yet it becomes our reality. so one person may look at me and see me as "throwing a rock" at them, being attacking, whatever...while another person would see me as "skipping a stone," in other words, goofing off, having fun, etc. this isn't particularly about a specific situation so much as thoughts from observations.

last night i talked online with someone i love having as a friend. we met under...interesting circumstances, but i know without a doubt we're meant to be friends who talk and have great discussions as a result. i talked to her for hours...til about 2am, roughly 3 hours after i usually go to bed.
don't get excited. this isn't like *that*. i just love random theological, personal discussions with people i really care about and it had been quite a while. i very much appreciate the opportunity to do so.

"you the leader of this band of fools?" --Charlie Anderson, in the movie Shenandoah (played by Jimmy Stewart).

bwe(eeeee)ka asked if i wrote the little dealy below or quoted it. i wrote it. thanks for asking. someday i'll play professor and talk about what i'm saying with it if someone asks, but it's terribly egotistical (and most likely boring to most of you) for me to do so right now, here, without any sort of anyone caring or asking.
in other news...i'm very thirsty today.

my parents are here. i love them a ton.
i'm hitting this weird depressive skid, of course while they're here.
i just want to show them a good time, be able to be hospitable to them, etc. this is really the first chance i've gotten to show them they maybe actually DID raise me right, i guess. there's a ton going on psychologically with all this, obviously. but i really do just want things to be enjoyable for them here and everything. and yeah, i probably have to "prove that i can make it on my own."
so anyway, i can stave things off for a few days, show them a good time, etc...just felt like releasing a little bit of it. hopefully my dad won't badger me about my spirituality for the rest of the trip...i'm just not up for that.
anyway, that's where we're at.

patient fingers never pick up the pen
the books we could write of what isn't known
only half of the heart is worn on a sleeve
what a man borrows, he thinks he can own
what a man owns is that which he sees
am I throwing a rock or skipping a stone?

i had a really messed-up dream last night.
i was walking around outside and suddenly this squirrel jumped on me. now the squirrels in our neighborhood are pretty bold and used to people, but this is pretty out of character. suddenly i realized this was a rabid squirrel and it had vampire teeth. so i shook it off me just before it could bite. then it chased me all over the place and kept jumping off of things and onto me and i kept making it fall off or flinging it somewhere just before it could bite. i don't really remember how the dream ended but i think i got bit and we both died or something. it must've been worse than rabid if i died that quickly, but whatever, it's a dream. it'd been quite a long time since i remembered a dream before this one.

i was informed last night that a comment regarding carole was posted on an earlier entry, but the person whose name it was posted under didn't actually post it. (insert frowny face here or something).

that damn meow mix song is in my head. stop. stop. please stop.

ok, almost time to leave work...i'm going to vespers and mass and looking forward to it quite a bit.

some guy just called me "coach."

here's a story from yesterday.

i'm sitting here at my desk, working away. a lady came in for her appointment, flanked by two young children and a girl who is most likely in her teen years.
of course the two young children sensed people were hard at work and began behaving accordingly: singing, dancing, screaming, "look what i can do," etc. the teen girl proceeded to read my name on my desk and say it several times as if testing it as a new sort of mantra.
then she just had to comment..."you don't see many male receptionists around" and gave me a puzzling look as if she couldn't understand how a man was doing this job. i mumbled something about how they combined two jobs when i was hired and one of them was this. this subject immediately sent me into a "highly annoyed but quiet" mode.
the two young children went into the meeting with their mother and we just sat there, me working away, the girl looking around the room looking for something to do.
"hey joel...do you know anything about God?"
i tend to be pretty out of it, but i see through things. i knew the tone of voice, possibly because i was raised to have it myself.
"why, what's your question?"
"what?
"well, usually when people say 'do you know anything about' something, that means they have a question they want answered."
"what are you, some sort of God dictionary?"
"um...you're the one who asked me the question in the first place. if you have a question go ahead, maybe i can help."
"oh."
i could tell she wasn't sure exactly how to react.
"well, do you know about God? do you know him?"
"i like to think i do, but the more i study, the more i realize i don't know much."
the puzzled look returned.
she then said a couple things that, while true, were more or less general statements meant to save face.
then the little kids came back out and i sat there trying to work through a 20 minute circus.

there are certain aspects to who i am that just won't go away. not that i want them to...

i just realize that i'll always be mr. laid back, calm, deal with life as it comes. sure, it brews like a madfire inside but that's where self-control comes in. i also realize myself to be...well...i'll always generally be regarded as "out of it" or "spacy" or whatever. and that's fine. also, i know that i'm incredibly in love with music. i can't help it. it's weird...dumb little facts or tidbits about the cubs or baseball or the music that i'm into...that knowledge sticks around, i will retain it forever. more important things...i'm horrible. i'm someone who hates being in a crowd, yet i feel very at home at certain shows. as if that's my family. i may not know anyone there, i may know half the people there, i may know a percentage in between...but i feel like that's just the natural place for me to be. i'm reminded of a scene in Almost Famous where william miller asks penny lane "don't you have any real friends?" and i feel as if i should perhaps be asked the same. i've not really done much or hung out with people here...and i mean, that's fine, those who i know don't dig a lot of the stuff or thought that i do, so while that doesn't eliminate friendship, it puts a bit of a crimp in what to do in any time spent together. but i do have friends who visit once in a while, or i go visit...a few back in michigan and indiana, now a few in idaho, the guys in iowa, a couple down south, more and more heading to seattle...and while some might find it strange, i'm fairly ok with that. i think i'm meant to be alone most of the time, i'm realizing.
what a crazy ramble. and no, i didn't try to "write" at all...in fact, very much the opposite. hell, i'm at work, i'm on hold with generic bland boring yet annoying elevator music going on in one ear and trying to work on a couple things at once.

we appreciate your patience. please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received.

it's starting to consume me.
i just need to write.
seems like it just won't happen lately. but it's in me, pushing up, trying to crack through. i just need to write. i don't care who reads, i don't care if anyone reads. i just need to have time where i can sit down, not be here at work, and lunge into the keyboard.

i can't at work...first of all, that's not what i'm being paid to do. second...my damn computer locks up fairly often. third, many distractions, though again, i'm at work.

anyway, there's a lot in my head really wanting to see itself typed out.