i woke up this morning feeling extremely paranoid.
granted, i'm pretty paranoid about stuff in general. it's odd that i say that because i live my life trying to help out other people, yet the majority of my inner self is constantly saying "they're just gonna screw you over. you're just going to get hurt. you're going to get used."
but this morning it's been overwhelming. it's more than likely due to a couple of unmentioned circumstances.
no sense on dwelling on myself or the feeling itself, there's a ton i'd like to write but first, i'm not interested in being a part of the blogging norm that cries, whines, and bitches incessantly; and second, i couldn't do it without sounding incredibly bitter and misrepresenting myself, thus creating problems with people i'd spend days ironing out.
one of my admitted faults is that i'm probably overly objective. for example, if someone treats me badly, i generally just let it happen and am a ton more concerned with the "why" aspect, with understanding how the situation came to be and why it is this is happening. however, a positive aspect to this is that even in the extreme paranoia i find myself in, i'm still able to understand that this is only my own reality. reality as it exists as a whole contains elements of my reality--no doubt that there are some people who are trying to screw me over or think i'm an idiot and talk about me behind my back and make fun of me a good bit--but i also understand that most likely, the number of those who are that way are fewer than how i'm thinking right now.
the problem when the usual paranoia increases a good bit is that i start developing a "screw you all" attitude. which, i mean, is the norm for some folks, i suppose, but not what i'm called to, not who i truly am made to be. i suppose that's where my objectivity comes in...i realize that if i act in accordance with the "everyone's out to screw me over, so i may as well aggressively go after my own interests and screw everyone else," then i'm only going to be feeding the paranoid frenzy of others out there who are like me, not generally out for blood and not trying to hurt anyone; or even worse, i might hurt or help condition someone who is naive and unconditioned. i still remember what it was like in my childhood, coming from a very calm, peaceful, loving home environment (which i do thank God for) and then over and over and over i was treated like crap unexpectedly and by people who had no right to do so at church, christian school, etc...and i don't want to be the one to inflict that upon someone else, i don't want to be the one who bursts someone else's idealistic bubble, though it inevitably will be burst. it's what Jesus says in the Bible...whoever causes a child to stumble may as well have a millstone hung around his neck and tossed into the ocean. while God forgives and i'd like to think that i have, i can't help but believe that a lot of people who, in their minds, are quite exemplary, God-fearing, up-standing, moralistic Christians are going to be surprised at how many millstones they have around their necks someday. i don't know, i don't really pretend to be much more than sinful; i know i have not having figured out a whole lot, but it kills me to see people throw garbage at kids like that. if nothing else, i want to be someone who maybe helps kids from getting the feeling that everyone is out to get them, because even if everyone else in the world is, i won't be.

and i just realized that i sound like some sick sort of cross between woody allen and holden caulfield. perhaps i should just take a sick day and go home and go back to sleep.