"the phone's off the hook, but you're not." --X

(has nothing to do with anything regarding me, but i just love that line)

hello. nothing much new.

it's weird how it all hits at once, you know? i mean...yeah...not it *all* because life isn't exhaustive. but a lot. some things...very good...great...incredible and amazing. some things, frustrating and not negative, just needing to be worked through. other things...definitely wish weren't happening, but they are.
but all this stuff...it's like...i'm learning....learning things i can't put into words. learning things that are purifying. the good stuff, it's like. "hey, i can have this happen and it can also be purifying! great!" but then of course there's the other stuff that balances it all out, i suppose.
without going into the positive stuff (not so much because i'd rather focus on the negative, but the negative ones in this case take so much less time to explain):
--i sometimes start believing what people tell me about myself and it makes me prideful. maybe it's true, maybe it's not, it's very difficult for one to be truly objective about oneself, but i'll admit, i started believing what i was being told (and again...i want it to be true and hope it's true)...and while for the most part, that's just a motivator to be moreso, part of my took what should've been routed to the "be more like this" department and ended up going into "let's be prideful" instead. so...i got slammed. it would be one thing if someone said something very blunt or mean or negative about me that was true and put me in check. and i mean...that happens. i think i prefer it that way. but when someone says something nice about you and you were...well...not so mutually gracious... so yeah, that clued me in and really got under my skin...making me pay attention to things more.
--after i moved, i did pay closer attention to finances. i did better. but...i kept ignoring some things or figured "i'll enjoy a few things anyway" when i had no business doing so. and then i realize that i'm pretty much trapping myself. i don't mind where i am doing what i am because i know i'm supposed to be...for now...but if i'm not careful, i'll end up determining way too much of my future by being an idiot about finances right now. so...it's a struggle and it sucks, but...we're gonna get on top of it.

so anyway....yeah.

the weekend slipping away, my thoughts turned to sunday evening dinner; a sort of workingman's Last Supper before morning brought rushed, efficient meals and bad coffee at the office. my bout with food poisoning (i realize that last time i claimed to have food poisoning, it was actually alcohol poisoning and had me bedridden for a day after, but this time it was really food, i promise) having seemed to run its course, i had regained my appreciation for food and was ready for something not crouching in my freezer or cupboard. chinese food sounded good, but i'd just eaten out the night before and my financial situation dictates that eating out happens only on occasion, so i abandoned that thought. in an effort to eat a bit healthier, i hadn't had potato salad for a while and suddenly it was apparent that it was time to have some around for a few days again. i hadn't left the house all day anyway, so a little time out was a good idea. on top of all that, my car needed gas. i keep track of how much gas i put in the car and how much i spend on gas (mostly because the fuel gauge doesn't work, but also out of nerdy interest) and thanks to living 5 minutes from work and 10 minutes from church, not to mention having very little social life, i'd managed to go 25 days without filling up. so, dressed in my midwinter's weekend uniform of black hooded sweatshirt with the Hey Mercedes logo on it, black converse chuck taylor shoes and cuffed blue jeans, i was on my way. from the time i walked down the steps from my apartment and maneuvered around an abandoned tricycle, something felt a bit different from usual shopping trips. this difference has been growing the last few weeks. it started small but resolved, noticeable but not sure if it would stay around or not. however, it was a difference in me that has been part of my perspective on shopping trips, at work, etc., lately.
i proceeded down the road, a "karaoke superstar" fronting the Beatles' single version of "Revolution #9" and then calming the crowd down with Oasis' "Champagne Supernova" (not how i'd really prefer to die, but a beautiful song nonetheless). after pumping my gas, it was on to across the street to Baker's, a large grocery store.
jogging into the store, i was immediately faced with the temptation that is clearance-salad valentine's candy. 75% off a box of chocolates made me pick it up, then regain my self-control and put it down. the bargain-hunter in me wanted to buy it to send to someone, but cheap-ass valentine's day candy sent through the mail somehow just didn't sound like a good idea. i have an odd fascination for the fish counter, so i wandered by, a belle & sebastian song in my head. no one is ever there so i can look at the fish lying on the ice and allow myself to see some sort of odd ironic beauty in it. this time, though, whole catfish was 50% off and for the price, i figured it would make for a great inexpensive but tasty (and very importantly, different) meal down the road, so i picked some up. my potato salad in mind, i strode past open freezers and coolers, picking up pints of milk and orange juice along the way. country potato salad was on sale for $1.99/lb., old-fashioned $2.49. sometimes, though, the country kind just doesn't suit me so i asked for a sample (knowing from previous experience they would give me one). a potato salad connisseur, decided that old-fashioned was the best choice and moved along, hoping the check-out lines weren't too long, grabbing a box of vegetarian fake chicken patties (quite tasty, actually) before looking for the shortest line. i opted for the express self-checkout, where i stood and watched two people not be able to master the concept of "do-it-yourself" and ask the cashier to show them how to do it (these self-checkout units have only been around in this store for a month or two) before finally scanning my items, sliding the card, saying "i hope yours is good, too," and walking across the black asphalt, hoping my memory was right. the songs i covered on the way home were "leaving town" by dexter freebish, then, the difference in me manifesting itself vocally, a very emotional rendition of David Bowie's "Heroes."
so...what's this difference?
well...intrinsic in every single person's psyche is this little spark of hope that when you're out buying groceries or filling your gas tank or renting a video, you'll somehow hook up with someone else. you realize it's silly, you may not like meg ryan movies, you may never tell anyone, but you still secretly hope that you and that cute girl will both reach for the same movie or be standing in the same line or both be eyeing the potato salad at the same time. i used to have this sick fantasy of meeting someone at the library and making out right there amongst the dewey decimal system. however, when one finds someone really quite special, that desire goes away. i suppose that's one way to know what's going on is real. i hope it does for me someday.

i made cinnamon pancakes this morning.

one way in which God uses his power is to use my own foot to kick my own ass.
literally months ago i wrote 2 columns about faith. the second one, we're about to put up on the zine ( www.vagrantcafe.com ) and i was just looking over it again tonight and...going through some crazy stuff right now...God used something i wrote months ago to gently slap me in the face then help me to grow. amazing.

monday's news
brought tuesday's blues
a crying love thought me to lose
the preacher says "you always choose
a fool's sad song, a lover's bruise"
a blind man's ruse
i'll never use
i told you, doll, i'll wear the shoes.

so...i've chosen to proceed and become a "catuchumen" in the Orthodox church, which means that as of the middle of March, i will not just be a Seeker, i'll be someone who is studying to be chrismated and enter the church.
i'm really excited about it...i'll be chrismated, God willing, sometime in May at Easter Vigil (the Orthodox religious calendar is a bit different from the one Roman Catholics and then Protestants adopted).
so we're supposed to have a "sponsor." i think this person ends up being our godfather or godmother or something. since michael corleone turned out to be simply fictional, i gotta figure out what i'm gonna do. to be honest, i don't really know anyone from church too well, and no one there but Father Stephen has really been a spiritual mentor or anything at all like that. now i'm not complaining about that, just saying that i really have no idea what i'm going to do. now of course it doesn't have to be someone within our actual church...if michial were chrismated, i would want him to be mine. he's the one really discussed orthodoxy with me and helped me find this path...but for whatever reason, he isn't actually chrismated. and the people who influenced him (and i've hung out with some at cornerstone fest) don't live anywhere near me.
so anyway, this isn't really a huge worrisome thing for me, i'm just really wondering what's going to happen and so yes, it's in my head. i'll probably talk to Father about it Thursday...i think he said that if we don't pick one, he'll just appoint us one. which...i guess is okay, i just really don't know how comfortable i am to suddenly have a sponsor or "spiritual mentor" as someone who i never really talked to about stuff before. or maybe this is one of those deals where i'm just hung up on something that isn't a big deal, hehehe.

hmm. i thought i posted something here this morning but it must not have made it...oh well.

so i'm told that a person is supposed to get a new driver's license and plates within 30 days of moving to this state.
i moved...oh...4 months ago now. so i figured i probably should. the real motivator is that my license expires the beginning of march and i really have no desire to be driving around with an expired license. so i called around today to find out where i need to go. well, turns out the first place is the State driver's license thing (which isn't listed in the phonebook and the county handles some of the driver's license stuff, just not what i need...hmm) so i can be tested and whatnot. i called them first and asked if i should be able to take care of it in about half an hour today. granted, i have a little more time but wanted to be safe. they said it would be done in that time easily, probably much less. so i show up, they're on #60 and my number is 98. and they only called one number in 15 minutes time. great. it's not really that huge a deal, i mean, i had to do something on the lunch break and so it may as well have been that, i just get pissed when people don't know and act like they do and are dishonest. anyway, thus ends today's moaning.

you know, i like scarves. like, when a girl wears a scarf on her head. i love it. i'd like to wear one that comes out the top of my shirt but i really kinda need an expert's help on that one. i've wanted to do it for literally 6 months, but while i enjoy my overall fashion style, i know when i'm in over my head.

hey, time for a sporadic update, kids.

well, in the "how the hell did that happen" category....i like someone like *that* and she likes me like *that*.
this whole thing is really great. i think it's gonna go somewhere.
i don't really know her yet, but i want to.
i was told she's exactly what i go for and that i would fall for her, but i didn't want to.
and i tried hard.
and i had asked God to please not let me go this road unless she likes me too because i'm sick of where it takes me.
but...she likes me...and i like her. and we're here, where we are, wanting to see where it goes, cautiously guarding but patiently hoping.
so many amazing things about what's going on. very hard to describe. i do a lot of just sitting and being still and quiet and thinking about it all. there have been a few times where i'm simply overwhelmed by it all, in a good way.
i hope we meet and hit it off. this can work. i'm going to do all i can to help that happen.
hmm.

my computer sits on the desk to the left of my monitor. there's this part on a simpsons episode where chief wiggum is giving the kids a tour of the police station and shows this board with lights on it and says "this is where the guys like to put the stickers from their fruit." being the lemming that i am, i've now put some on my computer.

ryan moves in march 3. i really do love living alone but i'm looking forward to him being here. it's not better, it's not worse, it's just different so i can't really say that i'm thinking "this will be better" or not.
there's a good chance that by sometime in march, between that and other stuff, that my life will be quite different than it was a couple weeks ago or even is now.

i've been so good with money this week. i'm really proud of myself and really hope to continue it. i stopped at this little ghetto thrift/used store on the way back from getting tortilla chips and salsa (it's a beautiful day and so i was walking). it's not like they had any good CDs or anything...there was this cool little swiveling chair that i liked. very ugly green but still. but i didn't get it.

something i was thinking about earlier today. i'm going to help this lady at church do the inventory for the little bookstore there, since i used to be in that business and all (though this is hardly a business, just a few icons and resources people can buy). anyway, i did tell her that i would help her, but she said that this thursday is when she wants to do it ( i would come early before seekers class). i told her that i wanted to and maybe will but i may have out-of-town company, in which case i'd not be able to. she was cool with it and everything...so that's not the actual point or deal. but i got thinking about something i've thought about before and know about myself. i'm not really a person who makes promises. now, i don't see myself as or intend to be some sneaky sonofabitch who weasels out of everything and lacks the ability to be dependable. it's just that...i don't want to promise something and then not follow through on it. i'm the type of person who would say "well, maybe i'll show up" and kind of annoy people, i guess, but then sometimes shows up. as opposed to the person who says "i'll be there" and you don't hear from them and they never come. i really can't stand that kind of shit, which is why i don't promise without knowing for sure that i'll do it or work my ass off trying. i hate letting people down...which sucks because my parents like to play that card...but i really just don't like when people say they'll do something and you trust them and then they don't. so anyway, to any of those out there who might get annoyed when i won't say for sure if i will or not, i'm sorry...try to understand...i mean well and i'm just trying to make sure i don't let you down. and if i do say something for sure or promise it, then that means you've got someone who's gonna do whatever it takes to make that happen or pass out trying.

anyway, to end on a lighter note...these 2 kids were playing outside my door a while ago. they kept looking in and i caught them, hahaha. so fun. gotta love the kids. i love this neighborhood.

....(edited)....

crazy day at work today, hahaha. i thought it was nuts before lunch...it got like hell after that. but...once 5 (or in today's case, 5:30) hits, i'm done with it til 8 the next day. i figure...life's short...i can't do anything about it after 5 anyway, so why let it bug me?

i tried to be sociable tonight and just sat there the whole time thinking "dear God...i want to be home."

dave van ronk died. not many people know who he is or care, but damn...it makes me really sad.

don't let my whining fool you. a day is just a day. and good stuff did happen, i just really don't wanna ruin the surprise of a certain lovely reader.

"she brought me home just to kick me out."--from a song on a Dave Van Ronk record (he did a lot of traditional folk so i'm not sure if it's his own writing or not)

mmm....sleep.

give it away
give it away
give it away now

i like ginger ale. a lot.
today included a great film, a great conversation after mass (and i enjoyed mass and liturgy quite a bit, make sure i mention that), and a nice nap falling asleep to some Miles Davis.

and, ya know, some other niceties.

(the below was basically me deciding it would be fun to write about coffee and me. i'm not bored so much as was looking for a new challenge. but it's all true.)

this one goes out to all you coffee lovers.
i got this coffee a few weeks ago at Wild Oats. it's organic and called Frank Sumatra.
cheesy name, i know, but what a coffee!
now...i go one spoonful per cup (not an actual cupful but per line on the glass container), which is stronger than a lot of people go...and so when i have a more bitter bean, it really tastes. which i don't mind too much. anyway...this is a coffee that is both strong and dark and smooth. i think i like it better than any coffee i've had so far, to be honest...and this is including the Seattle Roast that i got incredibly addicted to. i don't drink that much coffee anymore (the addiction having been eased down to "mild" right now) so even though the pot of this i've had today has been spread thoughout all day, it's still like...killer. i mean, not only is the taste great, but i haven't had such good caffeine effect in forever. maybe part of it is that i haven't had a ton to eat today but i've had a healthy amount, i'm not starving. anyway, this flows smooth (i'm not going nuts, basically, for you non-coffee cats) but yet it's making my bones ache. when i really drink caffeine lately (besides the lameass coffee at work), i've been going to Americanos, which has a totally different effect, being much more concentrated. so obviously i haven't felt this jumped yet smoothed by a coffee in forever. mmm. but...only one pot. no going crazy. hehehe. ok, enough dorky connisseur boy for tonight.

valentine's day is coming.
valentine's day freaks me out.
it's sensory overload.
way too much red.
plus i'm superstitious about valentine's day.
hard to explain.
it's like...making this huge (expletive) deal over what should be done throughout the year anyway.
it's like it's some kind of way to push people into going a bit more overboard than they should and then regretting what it brings into things.
or...maybe i'm just crazy.

i'm waiting and waiting and waiting for larry to call me back about my laundry. supposedly i'm able to have it done over at his place, his apartment grouping over there has a machine or two to use. i wish i could've had it done by now, though...if i haven't heard back from him sometime tomorrow afternoon, the laundromat it is.

and it was....

tonight could be really interesting. i'm encouraging myself to think about what really shaped me spiritually. this could end up being reeeeeeeeeally long and possibly cathartic, but also really good (potentially).
i really think i need to do this before liz and i get too deeply into writing the book. which i will also be working on tonight.
within the last hour, i've gotten very hungry.

the word "confusion" can mean so much, even when you're not really confused.

so yeah, i'm at work.
and it's pretty quiet today.
i hate being a cliche but i really am glad it's friday. that was the first thought to pop into my head this morning after the "oh, shit" that is generally the first thought in my head every morning.
i feel as if what i have is being wasted.
and the potential of what i could and want to have is very much being wasted.

time for an early lunch.

so...honest about what?
here's something.
a change needs made.
you spend your money on whatever you want. sure, you pay the bills, but you spend the rest frivolously.
you need to change.
you're almost 25, you will be in less than a month. keep doing this, and you can kiss dreams of anything more goodbye.
so...let's say you did meet *someone*. you aren't in a position to do anything about it and you know it.

here's the deal...from now on, no eating out any more than really is necessary. already been watching the grocery store sales, good boy, but spending 5 dollars more on lunch than you need to several days a week catches up quickly on your budget.
how can you be "the go-to guy" as they say at work but yet be such a failure personally? time for that to change.
ok, the album-buying's been curbed well. let's do even better now.
not that you go to many shows, but this weekend's are all out, even if it stings. this is so you can do more and better in the future.

for those out there reading...please pray for me to make wiser financial decisions. a couple wake-up calls recently have made me realize just how badly i need to change.
thanks.

and listening to Wilco's Summerteeth album in self-indulgence city.

sometimes it's fun to just know that the most boring mundane details of my life are out there for millions to read. not that any more than 1 1/2 of you actually do read about them, but it's a fascinating concept.
i'm wearing a white button down collared shirt, thick brown cords, and barefeet. but changing soon.

and about to do the damn dishes.

tonight's first mission: wash the dishes. if you don't mind doing them, then quit looking at them and making damn excuses.
btw...
tonight you'll hear a lot of "damn." liz pointed out earlier that i was dropping it a lot today. so i suppose i may as well indulge myself while it's here.

scrub them.

tonight's the night of honesty.
so...if you're looking for pure honesty from joel, tonight's the night you'll probably get it.
of course, i usually *am* very honest, to the point of pain, but that just sounded cool.
but also...tonight's when i'm going to actually be honest with myself.
which...might challege what's passed for truth in recent days...and months...and so on.
so we may have new versions of truth popping up.
stay tuned.

wow, it's been a while...a couple weeks maybe since i last did this.
seems like i say "it's been a while since i've done this" about every other time.
i promise, i'll try to do better.
for the one and a half of you who read.

i'm afraid of texas. it's big and it wants to swallow me up.

i didn't really mean what i said. after being the initiative-having, ballsy sort that i'm told is what makes it all go 'round, i let a little of me show through.
but the me that showed through...well, it was me, but it didn't mean what it said.

caught in a game, i called you on it. game over, i lost.

turns out they've been lying to me all along.

both of what they told me they wanted...neither is really what they wanted.
and what they want...sorry, we're all out.

no. this isn't one person. i'm not into posting rants about one person because it's just unhealthy. this is about all.

please don't act like you want an orange when that's all i have. i might decide to give it to you.
but you want a damn apple. don't waste my time.

catch-22 is my specialty. the only rides i pay for are the ones that keep going around. it's easy to leave up there, but if i get off up there, i fall to my death. and i'd not fall if i left on the bottom but there's a mob waiting for me, hoping to speed my death.

if i walk up, you think you know exactly why. you're 10% right, but it's the bottom 10%, one that can be lost, one that might as well be lost. and the rest of you, it's just awkward. you're not after what i have and you think that's all i want to share, when i don't want to at all. it's just another cycle we find ourselves caught in.

you'd think for someone wishing to be a writer, i'd have something to say. actually say.

the disappointment isn't what you think it is. it's a hope, not the hope, but a hope that maybe it was time for why i tried in the first place.

i'm going to stop talking vaguely now. maybe it did me good, or maybe the rum did me good. i'm thinking it was the rum.

why is it...really, why is it...that the things that make my life worth it, make me want to get up in the morning, are why i even have a job...those are the things that just put me into debt and help me stay there?
i'm really trying hard to learn self-control, but there's got to be some sort of relief. i've got to not just have a reason, but have a reason that leads to something. i'm not a damn hedonist, i don't think. i'm not a materialist, i don't want to be. but the same sun i need to see also blinds me.