it's weird how it all hits at once, you know? i mean...yeah...not it *all* because life isn't exhaustive. but a lot. some things...very good...great...incredible and amazing. some things, frustrating and not negative, just needing to be worked through. other things...definitely wish weren't happening, but they are.
but all this stuff...it's like...i'm learning....learning things i can't put into words. learning things that are purifying. the good stuff, it's like. "hey, i can have this happen and it can also be purifying! great!" but then of course there's the other stuff that balances it all out, i suppose.
without going into the positive stuff (not so much because i'd rather focus on the negative, but the negative ones in this case take so much less time to explain):
--i sometimes start believing what people tell me about myself and it makes me prideful. maybe it's true, maybe it's not, it's very difficult for one to be truly objective about oneself, but i'll admit, i started believing what i was being told (and again...i want it to be true and hope it's true)...and while for the most part, that's just a motivator to be moreso, part of my took what should've been routed to the "be more like this" department and ended up going into "let's be prideful" instead. so...i got slammed. it would be one thing if someone said something very blunt or mean or negative about me that was true and put me in check. and i mean...that happens. i think i prefer it that way. but when someone says something nice about you and you were...well...not so mutually gracious... so yeah, that clued me in and really got under my skin...making me pay attention to things more.
--after i moved, i did pay closer attention to finances. i did better. but...i kept ignoring some things or figured "i'll enjoy a few things anyway" when i had no business doing so. and then i realize that i'm pretty much trapping myself. i don't mind where i am doing what i am because i know i'm supposed to be...for now...but if i'm not careful, i'll end up determining way too much of my future by being an idiot about finances right now. so...it's a struggle and it sucks, but...we're gonna get on top of it.

so anyway....yeah.