wow, it's been a while...a couple weeks maybe since i last did this.
seems like i say "it's been a while since i've done this" about every other time.
i promise, i'll try to do better.
for the one and a half of you who read.

i'm afraid of texas. it's big and it wants to swallow me up.

i didn't really mean what i said. after being the initiative-having, ballsy sort that i'm told is what makes it all go 'round, i let a little of me show through.
but the me that showed through...well, it was me, but it didn't mean what it said.

caught in a game, i called you on it. game over, i lost.

turns out they've been lying to me all along.

both of what they told me they wanted...neither is really what they wanted.
and what they want...sorry, we're all out.

no. this isn't one person. i'm not into posting rants about one person because it's just unhealthy. this is about all.

please don't act like you want an orange when that's all i have. i might decide to give it to you.
but you want a damn apple. don't waste my time.

catch-22 is my specialty. the only rides i pay for are the ones that keep going around. it's easy to leave up there, but if i get off up there, i fall to my death. and i'd not fall if i left on the bottom but there's a mob waiting for me, hoping to speed my death.

if i walk up, you think you know exactly why. you're 10% right, but it's the bottom 10%, one that can be lost, one that might as well be lost. and the rest of you, it's just awkward. you're not after what i have and you think that's all i want to share, when i don't want to at all. it's just another cycle we find ourselves caught in.

you'd think for someone wishing to be a writer, i'd have something to say. actually say.

the disappointment isn't what you think it is. it's a hope, not the hope, but a hope that maybe it was time for why i tried in the first place.

i'm going to stop talking vaguely now. maybe it did me good, or maybe the rum did me good. i'm thinking it was the rum.

why is it...really, why is it...that the things that make my life worth it, make me want to get up in the morning, are why i even have a job...those are the things that just put me into debt and help me stay there?
i'm really trying hard to learn self-control, but there's got to be some sort of relief. i've got to not just have a reason, but have a reason that leads to something. i'm not a damn hedonist, i don't think. i'm not a materialist, i don't want to be. but the same sun i need to see also blinds me.