now playing: "7 Spanish Angels" by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson. Merle Haggard too, i think.

so today wasn't the greatest dietary day, but it could've been a lot worse.
i find importance in balance between "i fell...there were failures..." but still giving myself credit for showing restraint where i do. for every bite of contraband, two bites were refused. and that...is more than a pyrrhic victory. perhaps not total victory, but certainly not pyrrhic.

i'm not much into tea but i got some great imported from India tea at the Indian Cafe & Grocery yesterday and i love it. also rose petal preserves.

just heard about Jill's dad's surgery having gone well and him being, as kelly put it, as stable as he's able to be...such a relief. the last i ever saw of my brother was his limp body, powered by a somehow still strong heart, being pumped unnaturally full of air by a ventilator...i don't want that for jill. i don't want that for anyone, obviously...but while i realize her dad will pass on someday...i hope and pray that the last she sees of her dad isn't like how he is now.

still no new editor...*sigh*.
i'd settle for some good writers with initiative, at this point.

tonight just doesn't feel like a night i'll need lots of sleep.

my upper back is killing me. it's pretty much constantly tense and always slowly getting worse, more and more knotted...and the last couple days, it's getting crazy. i may just have someone who i'm halfway comfortable (or more) with beat on it or walk on it or something...i think at this point, anything would help. if i were a rockstar, i'd just fly walker here and have him work on it every couple weeks.

i'm listening to an mp3 i downloaded...i really like it...but when i saved it, i forgot to change the title to tell me who it is. nice move.
tonight i spent almost an hour grocery shopping. on one hand, i put off grocery shopping as long as i can. on the other hand, once i'm actually doing it, i take forever and enjoy it, it's actually relaxing. must be my damn hunter-gatherer instincts kicking in. or the whole estrogen shopping instinct. i'm so conflicted.

before fine (pronounced fee-nay)...
you all must understand what it's like to be sitting down while your mind is standing up. then suddenly my mind is lying down and struggling to nap while my body remains fixed in an upright, typing pose. i lie down on the couch and a strange man with a german accent is asking me questions...questions about things i think about more than most things, yet know very little about. or perhaps i just want him to think that. perhaps i'm afraid to be honest or perhaps i'm not honest enough to be afraid. he wants me to answer and all i want to do is ask questions in return because asking questions helps me learn more than fabricating answers...he won't let me ask the questions, and so i don't ask them of myself...i'm not comfortable enough to ask the questions when i am alone. my mind looks at the clock, leaps from the couch, and is soon breathing fresh air, feet slapping the pavement.
someday i'll be brave enough to ask the questions...and afraid enough to answer them.

(note to the concerned: the above is more or less writing for writing's sake as opposed to catharsis.)

f*v