Distracted Blues

Distractions Galore!

Sunday, November 25, 2001

well, tomorrow my professional career begins its second chapter.
seems as if this will be a challenging job...but that's what i want, that's what i need.
Thank you, Father...the pay i asked for...the benefits i asked for...and when i decide to use it, nearly free tuition.


keep me sane, please, Father. maybe the job will help. thank you for being through this with me...please help me to feel You.

Saturday, November 24, 2001

today had no point. maybe it wasn't supposed to.
i didn't leave the house...didn't even make it onto the porch. fine with me.
i got up just about 12 hours ago. the most constructive thing i did was make some food and put some dishes away. i meant to wash the dishes but never felt up to it. it seriously seemed too challenging to my sanity.
today has been one of those days where it's a good thing the tv was working because it has kept my thoughts away from me. which is good.
i think i need more plants around here.
so...will i leave the house tomorrow?
i plan to go to church actually. it will be soothing. after i pick up some water and food on the way home, i may not leave the house again until i start my new job monday morning. i guess if someone calls up or talks to me online and wants to go do something, i will. but who knows...i guess we'll see.
what might seem boring to you is actually good for me...i need time to relax but yet zone out. reading or doing some writing would be really harsh on my mind right now...hopefully next week i can again.

Friday, November 23, 2001

"despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage." (smashing pumpkins, of course)

it's almost become a cliche, but the song is on right now and it echoes what i feel lately. so deal with my cliche.

right now the overwhelming emotion i have is frustration. i don't think i'll elaborate.

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

wow, it's been 5 days. sorry. sorry to no one, i guess.
give it up, give it up, give it up, yo.
lately i've been listening to public enemy and loving it. i guess there's a new one coming from them in february. good stuff.
the captain is good stuff too.
so anyway, i've been having a good last week before work. as of tonight, i'm still not 100% sure which job i'll be starting monday, but it will be a good one either way. i'll be fine whichever i go with. or goes with me, to be real about it.
i need to write to people i promised i would.
that didn't come out right. but that's ok.
so thanksgiving is coming up after tomorrow and i'm still not sure where i'm going. for all i care, i might just stay here. i mean, really...who says that you have to sit around gulping turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry dishes and yams? not that i wouldn't mind that, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to sit around and watching football. i mean...i'd like the meal and family atmosphere (albeit it would have to be someone else's family) but to me, holidays aren't like...this thing where it's mandatory i roast chestnuts over an open fire or be in a big loving atmosphere and whatnot. again, i wouldn't mind, but i won't be the grinch if it doesn't happen.
so...water keeps coming back up into my sink. i have no idea why.
my toilet has stuff going on in the tank that i could describe if i felt like it, but i don't.
also i'd like to put a filter thing on my tapwater. i actually bought one but the sink...faucets, actually...is so old (or something) that it won't work on it. eventually i'd like to get a new sink and faucet because doing the dishes is a big pain. who knows when that will happen. not this year.
the small plastic squirrel is staring at me. the nun just looks tired.
i think i'd like the 13th street coffee shop better if i could concentrate better there. people are allowed to talk, but so loudly?
i realize this is incredibly random. also dumb.
anyway, more later someday.
to all of you, with love and squalor.

Thursday, November 15, 2001

it's been a few days since i posted.
nothing too new to report and really, my mind is exhausted. perhaps i'll do this sometime soon when i'm not chock full of idiot.
the phonebook came. finally.
i'll never take the yellow pages for granted again.
i got a cordless phone.
i let the answering machine screen my calls. telemarketers have a job to do, but i'm on a budget, my budget needs to be tighter, and sometimes when you live alone you'll tell them what they want to hear just to have contact with a human being.
i like the Wild Oats store 15-20 minutes away.
www.wildoats.com
i wore a black stocking cap most of tuesday.
it's time for bed?
does anyone read this?
i suppose it doesn't really matter. i'd like to know, but even if no one ever reads this ever, that's not the point.
the point is that words on a screen prove my existence.
the pixels show a blind world that I am alive.
my keyboard clicks and a bit more of the white screen's purity is lost.
it doesn't matter if anyone hears, so long as my voice is aloud and tells me i've been allowed to be on earth one more day.



Sunday, November 11, 2001

i'll be getting vh1 tomorrow. roo-ha.
this has been a great weekend.
yesterday i hung out with jill and kelly (from omaha), plus ryan and adam came from oklahoma and jenni came down from minneapolis. we went to a diner and then a thrift store where i got the best chair. picture...someday. later on that night, liz and i hit a couple shows (the blamed at the cog factory, then over at sokol Le Savy Fav). she looked great. at the blamed show, i got to talk to brian (from the blamed) for quite a while...that was good. we hadn't talked in a while and i'm not near chicago anymore, so it was great to catch up and see pictures of his baby. after the shows, we caught up with the rest of the above people plus alyssa and her friend jessie, down from minneapolis also. i love alyssa...also her dreads. kelly and jill and jenni were all dressed up hotly and looked great. alyssa and jessie did even though they were just dressed. it was jenni's 21st. so we all hung out at Old Chicago for a while, then liz and jill's house. then today liz and i hung out for quite a while...very good time. nothing too deep here for the smart kids, just a summation of the weekend. i'm actually doing a good bit of writing lately, just not on here i guess. i sound like an idiot tonight. fun must be bad for me. goodnight.

Saturday, November 10, 2001

and so they came
toting their rattly,
squeaky radio flyers.
tiny disciples,
eyes blinking for a nap
dry,small, parched,
the mouths of babes thirst
unknowing,
drink without answers,
quench without seeing.
my mouth more desperate,
thirst brings frantic,
i refuse drink,
untrusting.

Friday, November 09, 2001

Well, here i am, wearing a white shirt, black tie, black dickies. i look like the kid from American Beauty. Why? Well, because I just got hired. I am now (contingent on the passing of a background check, drug test, and remembering to show up for orientation the first day) am employee of Mutual of Omaha. my position is that of Image Research Operator. I work within 5 minutes of my apartment, which is nice. Some days I can come home on my 45 minute lunch break. gooood stuff.
in other news, still no phone book, 10 days after i was supposed to have received one. supposedly it's coming today. i guess we'll see.
today's also one of those days where i'm just sick of people's shit. i mean, really...show some damn consideration. selfishness is like a butt. we all have it, but you don't need to show it off.
last night i was hanging out with liz, jenni, then jill and kelly...the 5 of us went to a place i haven't been before called The Donut Stop. It's only open latenight to late morning. I had a custard-filled long john and a couple cups of coffee. great stuff, pretty cheap. good thing it only sits about 5-10 minutes away...
today not only did i have a drug test, but also a loose general physical. by that i mean, we covered the basics but i didn't get felt up. she (the medical person who took care of me) was a nice lady and i'm glad she didn't have to put herself through that. anyway, we had a good time, i peed in a cup, it all worked out. except one thing...i had to be weighed. i haven't weighed myself in a while. granted i was wearing boots when they weighed me today but still...i'm about 10 pounds higher than i'd like to be. i'm not overweight for my heighth but i know i am for my build. i guess my weight wouldn't bother me so much except i know there's too much fat. luckily they have a fitness center there and there's a park nearby where i can run. i think i'm going to here once i'm done with some writing.
blogger's down right now so i'll try it again later.

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

we slaughter our dreams, then claim them as martyrs.

(the following is totally unrelated to the above.)

Having just moved to Omaha, finding a job became of primary concern to me. The obvious place to look for job listings being in the local newspaper, I began a Monday tradition of trekking to a local store, where I would buy Sunday's paper, that being the large edition and therefore the one with the most potential job advertisements. One particular afternoon I walked a couple streets away to a drug store where the previous day's paper could usually be found. Of course, none were left (or else this paragraph would have no need to be written). I proceeded to walk across the street to a gas station, where the attendant directed me to try the grocery store adjacent to the drug store, which as it turns out, hadn't any either. Traveling once again across the street I walked a few blocks to a convenience store, which turned out to have quite the collection of arcade games and billiard and foozball tables, but no Sunday edition. I bought a Coke and continued walking south, where a few blocks farther another convenience store clerk was the next to inform me of the lack of newspapers. I sighed and climbed the crosswalk ladder. Hoping against what seemed to be fate, I entered the gas station as if it were a cave holding my thin, ink-covered Holy Grail, my advertisement-filled Golden Fleece. It did.
The following day found me walking once again, this time driven only in pursuit of exercise and enjoyment of an unseasonably warm November afternoon. A rather good-sized park (for being in the city) is found just a few minutes' walk down my own street, so I decided to head that direction. Along the way, I noticed what seemed to be newspapers inside plastic bags lying here and there. Intent on the park, I left them alone. Returning from my hour as Thoreau (though my Walden was quite obviously man-made and surrounded by sidewalk), I counted the number of strewn bundles. Two dozen, not on porches or in plastic boxes, but orphaned Omaha World-Heralds, strewn amidst the grass and the sidewalk it flanked. A half-dozen of them, all within two feet of each other, lay just before the steps leading up to the courtyard in front of my door. I picked one up and walked inside, realizing some sort of significance was to be found amidst the newspapers. Knowing there was something for me to learn and share, I prayed, asking God for the meaning to be revealed to me.
The newspapers are knowledge. Not just knowlege in general, but the knowledge we are meant to seek, the knowledge that will bring us what we need, the knowlege we are meant to find. At times we'll walk along the streets, inquiring within life's gas stations and convenience stores, becoming frustrated because we know the treasure is somewhere just out of reach. Other times, the knowledge will be abundant and easily within reach, yet there will be so much of it that we must learn to discern which is the true knowledge. As I sat typing this, God made clear in my mind that knowledge is no good without wisdom and so above all else, we must seek wisdom.

I don't think this came out quite as communicative as it was supposed to...but on the other hand, i think it was something supposed to be revealed and meaningful to me...and maybe in a situation for someone else someday. that's all.

jo-el

Sunday, November 04, 2001

the thoughts i want,
the thoughts that come,
the thoughts that change
are the thoughts that chase
the thoughts that continue
the thoughts from which
i don't know how to escape for the night.

it's come to me lying on the couch watching Celebrity Jeopardy reruns, wondering where she is, trying to pretend she's not, but she is, or is she? not an action, but existence.
i wish it were here or would just leave and i'm glad i don't know where.

in a new town, i don't know what's open. perhaps i'm not supposed to yet.

Thursday, November 01, 2001

well, the job hunt continues.
i have a certain peace about it right now.
this sounds really cheesy, but God wants me here...He's in control...
I'm working hard at finding a job and He'll put me where i'm supposed to be.
I'm not gorging myself like an idiot, but i need to be a bit better with my intake. no other way to lose this belly.
there's not really much of anything new to talk about. i'm sorry.
i'm enjoying getting to spend time with my friends here. it's tough watching liz go through what she's going through, but this is where God has her right now, i guess. just wish i could do more.
i'm really enjoying the baseball post-season. this has been an interesting World Series so far.
nothing too deep or creative tonight, i know. just little snapshots. just keeping no one updated.