and a week later, here i am.

to answer the comment:
yes, becca, "blueworm."
one was in reference to a color that i like, the other because i thought that sort of sounded cool. it was back when the internet was new to most of us and we felt compelled to come up with the most inane of nicknames possible, what can i say.

oh, so much to say, so much to write about, so much going on, but you know what? it's best left unsaid for now.

hotel, motel, holiday inn. go ahead, someone post a comment and name that song. i believe in you. i may even have a prize for the special kid who comes up with that one.

still not much progress on that "view past light" thing. i'm beginning to think that it's just going to come to me and be very clear all of a sudden. almost an epiphany, but obviously on a much smaller level.

i'm thinking i'd like to beat this caffeine addiction.

the cubs' season is finally over. mercifully over.
now for a new manager, some new faces, and a great next year. hey, we can hope, you know? i could go into reasons why they could be a contender next year, but no one here cares.

patience is a great thing.

a few stats for the trivia whiz kids:

1. it's official. my favorite kind of cookie is white chocolate macadamia nut.
2. the first dvd i ever bought was Amelie.
3. the first cd i ever bought was 2 albums on one cd: Friends and 20/20 by the Beach Boys. unlike most of what i was listening to in that period, i still listen to this one quite a bit.
4. this year in the baseball playoffs, i'm rooting for the Anaheim Angels in the A.L., and probably the St. Louis Cardinals in the N.L. (though if the Giants are the wildcard, i'll be rooting harder for them to beat the Braves).
5. i once had the username of "blueworm."
6. i am an INFP (Kiersey's Temperament Sorter).
7. hotel, motel, Holiday Inn.

another randomnotes day.

3 reminders:
1. i enjoy writing as characters. as a result, what you read may not necessarily reflect my actual state, life, and personal thoughts, but those written fictionally as someone else. the degree to which fictional writing is influenced by something personal varies, obviously. what i posted a few days ago is actually going to fit into a new story i hope to write (and have worked on elsewhere).
2. that floor doesn't vacuum itself!
of course, when i did try to vacuum it, my the vacuum cleaner went spazzo. hopefully it will have recovered by this evening as carpets around the house could really use a good cleaning.
3. the revolution will not be televised.

i'm not sure why, but i enjoy burger king's coffee. it's not really that good, but it beats the coffee here at work by a long shot.

Father Stephen is a great great man. he's very much a spiritual father to me and under his tutelage i am learning and growing much.
i do want to at some point experience more of the Eastern experience but where i'm at (Western Rite), i'm just learning to be Orthodox and BE within what i am...the rest will fall in place as i'm directed. i will say that last night, i got to spend some time with some people from another Orthodox church (this one being Eastern) and we had such a great time. Fr. Stephen and his wife were there for a while at the fundraiser and then after that, i went and hung out with a few people all probably mid-20's and it was just...great. while i'm pretty socially backwards, i felt comfortable around them really pretty early on. there's just something really wonderful about getting to spend time with people and getting to know them within a context of knowing there's a pretty similar belief system...that's part of why i miss walker and jeff immensely. hopefully i'm beginning to make some friends here.

i feel as if maybe some creativity is on the way back.
i really need to write a new View Past Light. i've been so dry in regards to writing about things in that vein. i'm learning so much and on one hand, i don't know where to begin. on another hand, i feel as if i have so much more to learn that i really don't really have qualifications to do writing about spirituality myself. for some reason, i feel as if i want to write about the Russian pilgrim from The Way of the Pilgrim, but i have no idea what specifically.

in other developments...i have a pretty huge crush right now.

one last quick update:
as busy as i am, everything i'm busy with is going quite well, thank you.

it's lunchtime.

i'm not sure why she had to bend back like that. it didn't help me avoid anything, that's for sure.
when all that's left is a recurring glance backward and a heavy ambivalence, i can't pretend i know how to promise anymore.
the part where i used to think "what should i say?" has been replaced by a highlight reel of fumble after fumble. i can hear marv albert's voice in my head and the chortling of a nationwide audience.
perhaps the most difficult part is that i don't even know my own motives anymore. if i speak, i might lie without knowing it, so perhaps i am better off just keeping quiet. the questions people ask don't really have obvious answers, and so i just make things up. if i don't know the truth, or if i know they don't want to really know the truth, then what? at this point, i've realized that most people think they know the truth before they ask, and if i tell them what i know, i'll be called a liar. so really, there's a level at which ambiguity is the true, and specifics are the false, no matter what my own perception is. in other words, so many people make up their own truth these days, and i'm not sure trying to convince them or shake them from that is worth it anymore.

(written by a character i'm thinking of using in a story)

i might go see Luna on Sunday night. i think i'll keep my options open, though.

np: Solomon Burke, Don't Give Up On Me (great album!!!)

i'm not sure why, but i have this weird tendency to wait to update here until about 10-15 minutes before the end of work.
probably because starting a new project at 4:45 is not going to happen, but leaving before 5 potentially puts other people in the lurch.

brief updates:

^ writing is tough these days. i'll break through eventually, but it's not wanting to happen right now.
> i highly highly highly recommend the broccoli (though right now it's technically artichoke) mozzarella ravioli with pesto at 13th St. Coffee Shop in Omaha. they serve a bowl of it with a bagel for about three and a half dollars. it's exceptionally good and will most likely end up being 2-3 of my meals each week.
< the thursday night show was incredible. didn't get a chance to pick up an interview, but the bands were very good.

& i really need to start eating more fruits and vegetables. and exercising. some of the exercising is going to be taken care of by a class i'm taking, but i need to take regular walks and do some jogging, maybe do some weights again, or something. i'm getting soft and the temperature hasn't even dipped *that* much yet.
% as much as i love the smell of coffee, i hate the smell of coffee burning, especially the cheap stuff here.
// ok, it's time to move along.

and another busy night. tonight a bit of church action, then seeing Spoon, the sound of rails, and John Vanderslice. haven't heard much by the other two, but i'm really loving Spoon lately.

i'm feeling a bit sleepy though. sleep's been a bit of a weird situation lately.
i should've grabbed some red bull out of the refrigerator at work.

i recommend the new bright eyes album, btw. he gets press and labeled as this starry teary-eyed emo boy, but it's not like that.
sure, he writes soulful music, but especially on his new album, it's very developed, and the songs are good songs, good writing.

hmmm. i could use some caffeine.

busy. and that's nice.
right now we are actually in the midst of the updating of the zine.
hopefully soon the whole site will be self-sufficient.
the next few days...crazybusy. the usual church service tonight, followed by Bible study. then going to see a show @ 9pm and hopefully scoring an interview. basically the same schedule thursday, though it's inquirer's class, not Bible study. tomorrow night won't be too crazy, hopefully, but i will be going to a special church service we're having.
this is good, though, tiring as it will be.
and work has been insane. no time to go into it, it's 4:59. catch the kids later.

september 7.

it's my little sister's 23rd birthday. can't seem possible.

this is also the anniversary of Tupac's shooting.

in other news, i'm very excited about the future magazine Jason Dodd (aka Treble Bandoppler), John Sant, Chris Estey, Jeannette Strole, and a few others i'm forgetting. it's going to be really great.

oh and yeah, we have a zine too. we're actually starting to update it now. big fun times. bout f'ing time.

i wish the tamale girl would hurry up and come. i feel an urge to "go out" for a few minutes.

finally saw the video for jimmy fallon's "idiot boyfriend" last night. really really great.

speaking of watching music late last night, i was flipping around and saw Jewel on uh, the late late show with Craig Kilbourn. she wasn't even playing her guitar anymore, a guy was playing it behind her. not that i think she's lost her ability to do so, but i think she's focusing more on:
1. her looks of wistfulness. she's definitely able to put more effort into them without that pesky guitar.
2. changing her image from that of socially conscious, recently homeless, folkish intelligent girl from Alaska to that of, well, some sort of sexpot. the guitar is nice, but it hides her breasts, which she's putting much more effort into displaying now, apparently.

still need to send that email.

i actually ate dinner last night. a blimpie's sub with a veggie patty in it. and a 16 oz. coffee because my head was going nuts. i had a feeling i'd get horrible heartburn from it. incredible thing is, after having those 2 things, i felt better than i have in weeks, other than the fact that the headache ended up needing ibuprofen to go away.

i might go see City By The Sea this weekend. lately i'm really digging DeNiro and feel like getting a fix of him on the big screen.
i really want to see One Hour Photo, but that isn't in the area yet. i don't normally like Robin Williams that much, but this looks like a very good film.

back to the Tupac thing.
it's sad, but there's not been a whole lot of socially conscious rap in the mainstream since him. not that he always was...he had his share of party shit...but he definitely had interesting and observant things to say, agree with him or not.
anyway, the L.A. Times broke a huge story about his murder yesterday, and part 2 is up today. latimes.com . you have to register, but it's worth it, and registering is free (besides signing away your email address to spam, most likely). anyway, it's worth reading.

anyway, there's today's update. oh, and next friday IS the 13th. big fun.

by the way, those headlines were meant for the front page of the zine. they eventually made it over there.

i've skipped dinner the past few days. i'm not hungry now, but we'll see if i am later.

much zine stuff to work on tonight, and i'm doing a good amount of studying and reading as far as spirituality and theology and whatnot. in case anyone wonders or cares.

the cubs have won 3 in a row, 4 of their last 5, i think. good thing they're 18.5 games out, but maybe they can catch the pirates. the a's vs. royals game last night was really interesting. the a's hit 20 wins in a row, but started out with an 11-0 lead, the royals tied it in the 9th, and then bottom of the 9th, a guy for the a's pinch hit a walk-off homer. wow.

jill's dad is in remission. praise God.

i realize i haven't posted much that's very thoughtful lately, and i apologize for that. however, i am in a time in my life where i'm spending time studying and reading and whatnot, and often when i'm like that it's hard to write about it at the time. i am working on a new View Past Light for the zine, though.

still haven't sent that email i talked about a couple days ago. i may wuss out and wait til after the weekend. on the other hand, i may go to a show this weekend and she might be there. so i better tomorrow.

so much music i want to hear. so many albums i'd like to have. i need to lose this debt.

the View Past Light is tentatively about repentance. i've been really thinking and wondering about what to write for it for literally months now, and that just came to me while i was walking around this afternoon on a break from work.

if i go for some leisure time tonight, i'm going to watch either White (the first of the Colors Trilogy) or Citizen Kane.

it's 4:59 and so i will go now.

By the way, the "corporate responsibility" comment is a joke.

Another great article on Tarantino and Kill Bill

Canadian Panel Wants Legal Marijuana

Denison Witmer Fall Tour Dates

you know, it's been what, 2 1/2 weeks now, and i just can't get that Russian girl off my mind. i thought i saw her at Target the other day but i was in a line to pay for some items and she was walking out the door. and it probably wasn't her. however, this is seeming a bit ridiculous to me.

i'm thinking a lot lately about an awkward email i'm going to have to send. i suppose i don't HAVE to send it, but i really should. basically, someone who i thought could turn out to be a good friend (and certainly she seemed as if she wanted a good friendship) pretty much has just ditched me. my theory is that she thinks i wanted something romantic out of the deal, which is a ways down the road from true. let's face it, if you are single and meet someone of the opposite sex who you think is cool, the idea "could this?" at least goes through one's head. there's no denying that. however, that was never my intention in meeting her, would not be my intention in spending time with her or developing a friendship, and the truth of the matter is, i need and want a couple friends now much more than any sort of romantic situation. and perhaps i'm insane for even thinking this way, but i have to at least try to talk to the girl i met a couple weeks ago and see what the situation may be there before anything else is really an option. however, people assume things sometimes, and sometimes are just misled. anyway, her not replying to me and avoiding me at a show we were both at is, even if understandable, still a bit juvenile. however, that won't be mentioned. truth is, i'm the sort of person who generally likes to know a lot more than i let on. most of the time, there's no point in confronting people or creating a scene that doesn't have to happen. if at some point something i know should be used in another situation or conversation, then fine, but i'm very patient and generally just like to see where things go. so yeah, that said, i won't bring that up, i made it a point to not let her know i saw her there, since she'd been unresponsive up to that time. anyway, i'm just going to email her and let her know that hey, it's not like *that*. and who knows, that may not be the issue. the issue may just be that she doesn't enjoy my company and doesn't know how to act in regards to that. fair enough. but i suppose just letting her know that i'm not infatuated with her or anything may perhaps be a step in gaining a friend.

what a nice weekend. an extra day, even.
it was relaxing. i regained a lot of peace, focus, and emerged from it much more centered. and i even cleaned the house a good bit and got some writing and other work done.
i think the key is is that i took on a different attitude. usually i set aside sunday mostly to just crash so i won't be exhausted monday, which pressures me to get a bunch of stuff done saturday (most of which doesn't happen anyway). this time around, knowing i had an extra day, i didn't pressure myself to get anything done and as a result, got most of it done. so there you have it.