now playing: "7 Spanish Angels" by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson. Merle Haggard too, i think.

so today wasn't the greatest dietary day, but it could've been a lot worse.
i find importance in balance between "i fell...there were failures..." but still giving myself credit for showing restraint where i do. for every bite of contraband, two bites were refused. and that...is more than a pyrrhic victory. perhaps not total victory, but certainly not pyrrhic.

i'm not much into tea but i got some great imported from India tea at the Indian Cafe & Grocery yesterday and i love it. also rose petal preserves.

just heard about Jill's dad's surgery having gone well and him being, as kelly put it, as stable as he's able to be...such a relief. the last i ever saw of my brother was his limp body, powered by a somehow still strong heart, being pumped unnaturally full of air by a ventilator...i don't want that for jill. i don't want that for anyone, obviously...but while i realize her dad will pass on someday...i hope and pray that the last she sees of her dad isn't like how he is now.

still no new editor...*sigh*.
i'd settle for some good writers with initiative, at this point.

tonight just doesn't feel like a night i'll need lots of sleep.

my upper back is killing me. it's pretty much constantly tense and always slowly getting worse, more and more knotted...and the last couple days, it's getting crazy. i may just have someone who i'm halfway comfortable (or more) with beat on it or walk on it or something...i think at this point, anything would help. if i were a rockstar, i'd just fly walker here and have him work on it every couple weeks.

i'm listening to an mp3 i downloaded...i really like it...but when i saved it, i forgot to change the title to tell me who it is. nice move.
tonight i spent almost an hour grocery shopping. on one hand, i put off grocery shopping as long as i can. on the other hand, once i'm actually doing it, i take forever and enjoy it, it's actually relaxing. must be my damn hunter-gatherer instincts kicking in. or the whole estrogen shopping instinct. i'm so conflicted.

before fine (pronounced fee-nay)...
you all must understand what it's like to be sitting down while your mind is standing up. then suddenly my mind is lying down and struggling to nap while my body remains fixed in an upright, typing pose. i lie down on the couch and a strange man with a german accent is asking me questions...questions about things i think about more than most things, yet know very little about. or perhaps i just want him to think that. perhaps i'm afraid to be honest or perhaps i'm not honest enough to be afraid. he wants me to answer and all i want to do is ask questions in return because asking questions helps me learn more than fabricating answers...he won't let me ask the questions, and so i don't ask them of myself...i'm not comfortable enough to ask the questions when i am alone. my mind looks at the clock, leaps from the couch, and is soon breathing fresh air, feet slapping the pavement.
someday i'll be brave enough to ask the questions...and afraid enough to answer them.

(note to the concerned: the above is more or less writing for writing's sake as opposed to catharsis.)

f*v

(to read in chronological order, start down at the bottom)

i should exist only in the electronic world, found only between the keyboards and mice of the world. perhaps i am best seen through a screen instead of a window. i hear only clicks and taps, even hugs are just words. keep me at arm's length, only as close as you allow your monitor. plastic and glass, not skin and flesh. the push of a button, the click of a switch...and my time with you is done.

i just wrote something and accidentally pressed "sign out" instead of "post and publish."

i think one of the reasons it's been a while since i updated and made it much of anything worth reading is because there are a few ideas inside of me that are boiling but really...aren't expressable. some because i'd hate myself to see those things in print...other things because right now there's simply no adequate tunnel between what's in my head and the alphabet, the language we're given to express things. or (most likely reason) "f*v the great writer" just simply doesn't know how to. i'm not really down on myself for that or anything, it's just a possibility.

also the last few days i've been more unfocused than usual. i was just starting to gain focus, too...hopefully i'll regain some of that this next week.
tomorrow there's a potluck for church and i have to take something. i think i'll do what i did last time...grab some potato salad at Baker's on the way up to church. the time i made a taco salad was nice and it tasted great, but that was more effort than i usually put into my own meals.
plus i have about...one of the several materials i need to make it.

oh, wait. i have had alcohol recently. last night at the show. nevermind that part.
for the kids who wonder, it was a double jack & coke...more jack than coke, actually. yum.

(tonight's the night of small updates galore)
not that i'm turning into something pristine.
(reference to my earlier post of several seconds ago)
i've been crankier and have been using "obscene" (by some standards) or "taboo" words more often.
not that i'm without love or anything. hell, i gave an old guy a ride the other day and let a guy i didn't know stay at my house, he turned out pretty cool.

2 weeks of rest. that's what the vnr needed. *.
things i haven't had in a few days:
--candy or dessert type things.
--alcohol.
--sex (then again...i suppose i should only list things i've actually had until recently).
--album-buying sprees.

i'm really annoyed by the singing taco cowboy of el paso commercials.
just because "gin" and "ginger ale" SOUND like they should go well together, they don't.
last night i had a great conversation with kelly....i miss those conversations with people and hope there are some more to come.
woke up sleepless.
the grass on the prairie moaned as it bowed under the wind, knowing the crushing snow was soon to arrive.
speaking of crushing Snow...
Carol (E) Snow is very cool. i love her and i love that she's writing for us. i love what she writes.