i am not ruled by guilt.
in fact, i don't really struggle with guilt at all.
on the other hand, the more i pray and fast and study and allow the Holy Spirit to work, the more that is dug up that i realize is distortion and sinful and wicked in my heart and thoughts and actions. i realize how my thought patterns and mental processes have such little discipline and if the pure of heart are the Kingdom of God, then i've got some traveling to do.
anyway, i'm not after any "but you're such a good guy" or "you're so great, joel," because i'm fully aware of the good things i've done (whatever my motives), i'm aware of unselfish acts, i'm aware of the positive things. sometimes too aware. my point is not to gain support or whatever, because i'm not being hard on myself or judging myself. and this isn't about past mistakes, regrets, or anything like that so much as it's about knowing that whatever is seen on the outside, there's a sinfulness inside that i can either ignore and focus on great outside actions and thus allow to run rampant, or i can admit to and call it for what it is and we can face it head on.
my point is this...i know there is redemption and when we're sitting there close, it's what i see in her eyes. everything i shouldn't have, everything i don't deserve, He's put in her to show me once again that He loves me. i shouldn't have someone so wonderful, not at this point in my life, not as imperfect as i am, not as flawed i am in my very thoughts. but...i do.