for whatever reason, my computer hasn't frozen up since 7:45 this morning. that means it probably will while i type this, of course.

for whatever reason, lately i am even more out of it than usual, been feeling down a lot, and have been even more paranoid than usual. hopefully this will pass soon. hopefully i'll get more and comfortable sleep soon.
i have been praying contemplatively a little more at a time, which is a good thing.

i need to write more. i feel that very much missing. tonight would be a perfect opportunity and i want to but i'm exhausted. still.
i had to do a bunch of lifting of heavy boxes full of files at work today...reminds me i need to work out more. i'm so out of shape.

ever just look at your life and wonder when you're going to actually do something? when you're going to actually be able to?

i've been realizing that when you're in your 20's, you ask the questions and you hope/think you'll start experiencing and learning the answers within the next 14-20 years. but then you get middle-aged...and the answers haven't come, but you've got more questions and realize you've spent half your life sliding further away from "it." then you get towards your sr. citizen years and one of two things happens. either you realize the answers aren't ever going to be found, you get bitter, and squirm your way to death; or you realize the answers are in the smallest things you've been overlooking that whole time and spend the rest of your life finding meaning within what God made inside you and in those little things.
that's what i think at 25, anyway. you'd think it would make me try and get to the second state of thought of the 3rd age, wouldn't you? so would i. that's where i want to be, anyway....but at this point, i'm struggling against thinking like the second stage and being depressed about the whole thing. i guess we'll see.